Al-Qaeda Responds to Gaddafis Accusation

In a surprise twist to the revolution that has been sweeping through the Middle East, Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden have finally involved themselves alas through a written statement purportedly from Osama bin Laden himself.

Strangely, for the first time ever, the statement did not mention America, Europe or Beyonce, rather, aiming its argument directly to the core thorny issue – the most recent statement released by Libyan leader Muammer Gaddafi – accusing Osama bin Laden of serving coffee.

According to the statement, Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden himself had deliberately stayed themselves clear of any involvement in the uprising in Tunisia and Egypt.

“For years, my organisation and I have built a rapport based on fear and terror. We showed extreme restraint and discipline by not getting drawn into the conflict in Tunisia and Egypt despite our name being evoked on many occasions by both the countries leaders.” 

But finally Gaddafi has done the most humiliating thing – implying that I am a barista and destroying all norms of decency by his ‘coffee accusation’. This is atrocious and insane,” 

“I wonder what he is going to say next; that we are planning on a Starbucks or a McDonalds franchise or worse, selling coffee in 1 liter packs now. We are in the business of bombs and terrorists and coffee has absolutely no part in our daily life. Screw you Gaddafi!” the statement read.

The statement which was supposedly hand written ended abruptly with ink smudged where the last character was written making analysts fear the worst – Osama bin Laden is totally pissed off with Gaddafi.

Visionary Bainimamara Reveals Plan to Counter High Air Travel Costs

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One of the most hyped up press conferences of this season from the interim government of Prime Minister Frank Bainimarama came to a conclusion this evening at the Attorney Generals chamber with a ‘on your face’ response that is bound to send the critics of the interim government on a long hibernation.

The interim government facing severe criticisms from bloggers and public alike due to the international adventures of its globe trotting ministers on first class or business class seats announced an immediate moratorium on all government officials, ministers included from traveling on first or business class on commercial airlines. 

Instead, the interim government would purchase its own airplane in a similar tradition to the one used by United States President, Air Force One, the spokesperson announced. He further revealed that the new airplane to be bought would be a Boeing Business Jet in the BBJ2 series and would come at a cost of US $47 Million. 

“We also had the option of purchasing the high end model which would have cost us around US $300 Million. But ladies and gentleman the purpose of buying the jet was primarily to save our tax payers hard earned dollars which would have been otherwise diverted into paying for the government officials business or first class seats. So thanks to the dexterous solution from our Prime Minister who not only proposed that we buy the jet but more importantly buy the cheaper one. Now don’t jump to conclusions, the savings would come in the long term which again is a fine example of our dear leader’s great vision,” the spokesperson told the journalists and reporters with a tinge of satisfaction.

Before concluding the press conference, the spokesperson told the journalists and reporters that the interim government was forever mindful of its tax payers concern and would do its utmost best to cut down on its opulence wherever it could and the purchasing of the jet was a fine example of the new austerity measures being implemented. 

In other news, a report in the Like Bainimarama Gives a Fuck magazine stated that the Australian Parliamentary Secretary for Pacific Island Affairs Richard Marles had expressed concerns that Fiji was showing no sign of moving towards democracy.

Biggest Scam in Fiji

In what is possibly the first major scam of the second decade of this millennium, former politician Ben Padarath and Suva lawyer Renee Lal have been arrested on the charges of swindling both the balls of a Ghanaian business Freeman Firstnameunknown.

The news of the scam sent shivers throughout the country’s Mans with Balls community. 

The scam which had been going on for sometime now came to light after Freeman Firstnameunknown was arrested on charges of being without both his balls. His arrest was the result of a tip off from Ben Padarath. 

It was after his arrest when Freeman Firstnameunknown disclosed how Ben Padarath systematically talked him into giving away one of his balls initially in return for oil exploration license. Renee Lal was supposedly a facilitator.

He further revealed that Ms. Lal’s and Mr. Padarath’s lust for his balls didn’t end there. He told the arresting authorities that Mr. Padarath would call him now and then and demand for his second ball.

“Finally I had to part away with my second ball after Mr. Padarath called me up and said that it was for Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama,” a devastated Freeman Firstnameunknown was quoted as saying according to a source

The authorities who interviewed Freeman Firstnameunknown eventually arrested Ben Padarath and Renee Lal on charges of taking mans balls with trickery and for malicious intent.According to news reports, Ms. Lal was caught at the Nadi Airport while she was leaving the country for New Zealand – a safe haven for ball swindlers. 

In what may be somewhat of comforting news for the dejected Freeman Firstnameunknown, the arresting authorities have assured him that his balls would be returned to him once located. They have also asked him to pray that his balls have not been tampered with, by either Ms. Lal or Mr. Padarath.

In other news, former Prime Minister Sitiveni Rabuka has been placed under surveillance after it was discovered he bought the DVD for the movie Expendables.