Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Felix Anthony Claims to be a Victim of Mistaken Identity

Requests for Google Search To Prove His Claim
The recent arrest of trade unionist took a strange twist today after he claimed to be a victim of mistaken identity.
Speaking to reporters from his cell-block, Anthony said that the person who had appeared at anti-government rallies in Australia was another Felix Anthony whose full name is John Felix Anthony Cena.

Producing a photograph of him and John Cena with an artists impression of the latter having a moustache, Anthony told reporters that if they didnt believe him then they should do a search on popular search engine Google for 'Felix Anthony'. 

However what got the reporters thinking on Anthony's claim as really being genuine was his comparision with John Cena.

"I know for a fact that we have similar height and built but that guy has two balls something which I dont.That should settle it for all," he added.

Meanwhile an inside source has revealed that the person present at the anti-government rallies was indeed Felix Anthony who had placed his bets on Ratu Tevita Uluilakeba hoping to be part of the new government. 

"It seems like he grossly miscalculated his political fortunes, and now he is totally fucked."

The reporters also questioned Anthony on his rumoured breakup with Daniel Urai, a fellow trade unionist.

"Yup its true. We are no longer together. All this while, I was under an impression that we were in an exclusive relationship and I really wanted to take it to the next level. But what really broke my heart was when I saw him massaging Ratu Tevita's shoulder at a rally in Sydney. 

I  didn't lose hope and gave it another shot.That's when he told me that maybe we should just be friends and that I deserve someone better," a teary-eyed Anthony quipped.

In other news, cosmetic surgeons have failed in their fifth and final attempt to separate Samoan Prime Minister, Tuilaepa's lips from New Zealand Prime Minister, John Keys ass.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Bainimarama's New Constitution

In a major press conference held at the Prime Ministers office in Suva today, it was announced that the work on the new constitution would begin on the 27th of December, 2012.

The announcement which initially seemed like a victory for the constitution advocates was once again overshadowed by the sheer cleverness of the Prime Minister's initiatives towards keeping expenses down and running the economy on a frugal mode.

"The world is most likely going to end on December 22nd, 2012. And that's the reason I have delayed any work on the new constitution until 27th December 2012. If the world doesn't end on 22nd December, then atleast by 27th of December, we would get an all clear signal and henceforth begin the work on the constitution. As such I see no reason to waste taxpayers funds on constitution work before 27th of December, 2012," the Prime Minister announced.

Apart from the announcement on the constitution time frame, it was also announced that a new decree has come into effect making it mandatory for all new plaques for opening of new projects and places to be made out of stainless steel 316L marine grade.

"If the world does end on the 22nd of December, 2012, the last thing we would want is for this plaques to be corroded by seawater when Fiji Islands sinks into the ocean," 

In other news, the rift between Bainimarama and Syed Khaiyum deepened after the Prime Minister removed Khaiyum from his Facebook Friends List.