Friday, October 29, 2010

Blog Commenters Tops Military as the Most Feared Group

A new research has revealed that the Fiji Military Forces has lost ground and came in a distant second when it comes to being the most feared group. The surprise winner – Blog Commenters.

The research, conducted by Dr. Sriram Lajwanthe a visiting professor at the University of Queensland, would be published in the upcoming issue of Fear and Morons magazine.

According to Dr. Lajwanthe, the Blog Commenters have instilled fear in the heart of public figures primarily in nations such as Fiji. 

“The last thing anyone wants is to attract the attention of Blog Commenters. What’s obvious is each Blog Commenter wants to better the previous comment on a blog. From what we have observed, these Blog Commenters don’t usually read the blog. The first thing they do is open the comments section, read the previous comment and try to better it.” 

“For example one Blog Commenter addressed someone as, pimple on the face’, and to better that, the next Blog Commenter rephrases the same comment except this time its, ‘Boil on the ass. Our only issue while compiling the research data was that the Blog Commenters were so eager to type and send their comment, that they have completely ignored the use of Spell-Check,” Dr. Lajwanthe added.

Meanwhile according to Professor James Thomas of the University of Arkansas, a world authority on Bloggers and Morons, the issue lies with the Blog Owners. 

“The blog owners have come to believe that a popular blog is one which has lots of comments. What they fail to understand is that these comments are usually from morons with lots of free time on their hand who are commenting on blogs and browsing porn simultaneously. Hence their choice of highly explicit colorful words,” Professor Thomas stated

In other news, Brigadier General Pita Driti has announced that he would be spending his leave on his home planet Krypton where he is known by the name Kal-El, just incase anyone wants to contact him.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

6-Step Guide to Surviving a Visit to the Military Barracks

Recently I had the pleasure of meeting a friend of mine from Fiji and the discomfort of listening to his experience subsequent to getting called up to the military barracks. 

Thus I spent over a fortnight thinking and devising a 6-Step Guide for those who may be called up in the future.

Here are list of Steps you have to follow the moment you receive the dreaded phone call from the barracks.

Step 1
Start your answer by telling the caller that you are infact dead and the voice answering is a recorded message you left behind after you had a vision earlier  that week of receiving that specific phone call.

Step 2
Request for atleast 7 days before you would be able to make the visit. Possible reasons that could be used are:
  • Death in your family (Avoid using  your mother-in-laws death at all cost as an excuse for mourning – even if its true – they will easily know you are lying) ,
  • Being shipwrecked on some uninhabited island after a fishing trip and that it may take you upto 7 days before you are rescued,
  • You are admitted in the hospital. If you are not, then arrange for it and then make an escape from the hospital. Step 5 would explain why this escape is necessary. 
Step 3
Draw up a genealogy graph of your family. Make a concerted effort to form a family link with the following people in one way or another:
  • Government Ministers
  • Senior military brass
  • The Prime Minister
If you have somehow managed to link up with the third option, then please ignore the remaining Steps.
Step 4
If your family’s genealogy tree fails to achieve the above, repeat with Step 2 for your neighbor (those whom you have not in anyway screwed in the past) and then biologically link yourself to your neighbors family.  

Step 5
Use your 7 days to do workouts concentrating mainly on stamina and endurance. Google ‘Military drills,’ and use the search result to practice on those drills  Also work on acquiring psychological strength and motivate yourself towards doing frivolous tasks for prolonged durations.

 Step 6
If you believe in God, pray hard. Incase you happen to be a believer in theism this is one of the few times when you would actually appreciate the wider coverage you have with the deities.

If you are an atheist, you are so totally screwed.

P.S: This Guide is not applicable if you get a personalized ride to the military barracks instead of receiving a phone call. If that is the case then apply Step 6 incessantly.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

New Decree Against Complains

Largest Group to Be Affected Are Spouses

The Fiji Government took a preemptive action against complains today by announcing the introduction of a new decree.

According to a spokesperson in the Prime Ministers Office, the government has had enough of all the complains directed towards it and as such the new decree to be introduced and imposed soon would address this serious issue on all levels and turn Fiji into a complain free society.

“We received complains against extensive prank calls and when we introduced a decree to curb these prank calls the complains started being directed towards the decree. And then we received complains against inefficient government services and when we introduced this proposal for a national identity card, we got complains against it. And the list goes on. Frankly speaking we are tired of all the complains,” the spokesperson told the journalists at a press briefing this evening.

“Basically this decree is in line with all the other decrees that the government has introduced to curb anything that it does not like. Complaining is evil and this government will ensure that nothing evil prevails in the Fijian society. Period,” the spokesperson added.

At the conclusion of the press briefing, the spokesperson in response to a question from a reporter said that there would be consultation process before the introduction of the decree similar to the Media Decree consultation process.

Meanwhile according to Professor Richard Roch, a world authority on complains and marital discords, the introduction of this decree by the government may in actual fact be against spouses of the government officials and ministers who have recently gone on a traveling spree around the world.

“The last thing they need is complains from their spouses after incurring a barrage of it from overseas governments, NGOs’ and bloggers," Professor Roch explained.

In other news, the Land Transport Authority of Fiji has stated that those caught speeding, talking on phone while driving and DUI would be issued with fines and an ‘Asshole’ badge.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Fiji Independence Order Stolen

Prime Suspect Named
In a major breaking news, the Assistant Permanent Secretary for Information, Setareki Tale has stated in a press conference held this evening that the Fiji Independence Order is not lost but stolen. He further went on to say that their prime suspect at the moment is Nicholas Cage.

The journalists present at the scene were left speechless by this news. However after five minutes of trying to get back their speech, one of the reporters inquired Mr. Tale on how he knew it was Nicholas Cage?

To which Mr. Tale produced a DVD copy of the movie National Treasure and said, “We have evidence of this guy doing a similar thing in the past. If he has managed to sneak past one of the most secure locations in the world and steal the Declaration of Independence, then our security level is a childs play for him.”

In concluding the press conference, Mr. Tale looked straight at the television cameras and in a direct address to Nicholas Cage pleaded with him to return the Fiji Independence Order and that the Fiji Government needed that treasure map found on the back of that Order more than him.

In other news, ANZ Fiji has boosted the Fiji Employers Federation bid to become bigger assholes by providing it with a $10,000 sponsorship for its conference.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Fiji Football Association Announces New Format For Future Tournaments

"Change A Necessity."

Keeping pace with the changing face of football played in Fiji, the Fiji Football Association (FFA) President, Dr. Sahu Khan has released details of a new game format for future soccer tournaments.

The new format would see the tournaments being played played over a two week period. The first week of the tournaments would allow the teams scheduled to play each other to submit their team list to the referees who would stand around the two team lists and guard it for 60minutes. After the 60 minutes waiting period, the two challenging teams would be allowed to file protests based on the team list of the opposing teams. 

Dr. Khan stated that this new format would save players and teams time and money and most importantly weather conditions would mean for nothing. He further revealed that the team list would be shown on the big screen so all spectators can see it and cheer for their team. 

“We are also in talks with a television station for an exclusive coverage of this format. It’s something new and we got the idea for this format after seeing so many protests in the Inter District Championship. However let me state that the ticket pricing would stay the same,” Dr. Khan added

Finally responding to a query if this new format would be successful, Dr. Khan released survey data which revealed that the target group for this new format is the arseholes. According to the survey data, a large number of arseholes favored results where the winners are declared thru protests instead of playing physically on the field.

In other news, Fiji Prime Minister, Frank Bainimarama has declared that he will make it impossible for the Vanuatu Prime Minister to attend the MSG meeting by holding it on the moon.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Top 10 Reasons Why Fiji Sugar Corporation Limited is the Greatest Company Ever in Fiji

Fiji Sugar Corporation, or FSC or the backbone of the country or the white elephant as it has been lately called is in my view the greatest company that Fiji has ever had or will ever have. Period.

For those who are totally critical of it and have made it a punching bag in their evening talanoa session, you have absolutely no appreciation towards this great company’s contribution and should be ashamed of yourself. Offended at my lack of insight?

I have grown up just nearby this great company with my family contributing two members from each of the last two generations and one from the current. So yes I do know a thing or two about FSC and its significance to this economy and towards the unique culture of its workers. Now let me elaborate.

  1. FSC is the sole reason for other companies existence. There are over half a dozen scrap metal companies in the West and are operating quite successfully. How? FSC workers sell the scrap metal to these companies. The workers have realized that FSC does not have any department to deal with scraps so they have taken their own initiative to do this. Now its another matter that FSC did not consider these scraps as scraps.

  2. FSC is one of the most non-discriminate companies in Fiji or probably in the entire world. The right to stop the entire operation at any given time is a fundamental right of any worker at FSC. Even a casual labourer, who understandably so very tired from the previous night, can throw a piece of metal to choke the crusher and bring the entire operation to a halt. Nah he doesn’t need any approval from the General Manager or the Chief Engineer. It’s entirely his prerogative or anyone’s should the need arise at the appropriate time.

  3. Teamwork is one of the key factors that are recognised at FSC. No other company has given more rise to teamwork than FSC for example if a worker thinks that the new copper wire coil is a good sell, then there is no stopping. Right from the security guard to the supervisor forms a team of loyalty and bonding to get that copper coil out and in record time. The presence of this unique essence of teamwork and team spirit would put anyone to shame.

  4. Complete Job Satisfaction. Every worker in FSC is completely satisfied with their job and happy with their output. Example the statement by outgoing FSC C.E.O, Raj Saran, that he was satisfied by his contribution. Oh did I mention that this is after FSC made an all-time record loss of $175Million under his leadership.

  5.  Magicians. Contrary to popular myth that Fiji does not have any magicians, FSC has been solely responsible for the creation and establishment of some of the best magicians in this country. Despite FSC’S attempt to make us believe that these magicians don’t exist, we have heard stories of their great feat and even verified it. One of it goes like this; One fine sunny day a 80 metres high voltage electric cable which is LIVE carrying 55KV of electricity (our home has 0.24KV or 240v) just disappeared. Only thing remaining were the two ends still connected to its respective ends. Revert to 1. To find out why.

  6. Environment. IF for nothing else, FSC has taught the effects of pollution i.e. to the marine life directly. If you observe the area around Lautoka Wharf where the waste water from FSC is dumped into the sea, there is absolutely no fish (Wait for 7.) From the studies conducted the fish have set a marine life zone around this wharf. It’s against the fish protocol to go into this zone. And its thanks to FSC that the fish have been taught a valuable environment lesson and values of self initiative.

  7. Vigilance. Despite their position in the organisational hierarchy, every staff of FSC was taught to be extremely vigilant while on job. An uncle of a friend of mine used to park his car at his nephews home because every time it was parked in the FSC allocated car park, the petrol was siphoned off. However it’s not exclusive to petrol and most of the time is the magicians prerogative based on the need of the hour and what they want to disappear.

  8. FSC has made us think big. How many companies in Fiji would talk about $89Million loan and $175Million loss? But the best part about this is that these figures are mentioned so casually that we have come to believe that it’s just a tiny wimpy figure.

  9. ‘If there is a will then there is a way,’ a classic word of wisdom formed the motto of workers when the drinking of kava was banned on FSC premises. The workers decided to get someone to mix the kava outside the boundary fence and serve it from there.

  10. Finally it has taught us NOT to purchase machinery from India.