Bainimarama’s New Year Resolutions

At a private dinner function held on New Years eve for his interim cabinet and very few staunch supporters, the interim Prime Minister Commodore Frank Bainimarama spoke at length of his resolutions for 2008.

“Ladies and gentlemen I intend to thank the almighty everyday and become a better Christian. I have already begun that by indicating that I will reduce my cabinet size to 13. I need not explain myself on the significance of the number 13 to any Christian, full stop.

And yes I will also stop saying full stop at the end of every sentence.

“I also promise to make more independent decisions instead of relying on my Finance Minister and Permanent secretary for that.

“I will also make a statement on why we really carried out the coup and how will we be resolving this awful mess that we have created. Infact I will go to the extent of publishing all the minutes of the meeting that we held in regards to the coup in our Bumper Edition of the Government Gazette. Actually I will go a step further and reveal the exact conversation that was held in the F.H.L boardroom. 100%. I promise!

“Buy a bigger bin for my office since I will need it to throw all the correspondence from Laisenia Qarase. I have gathered through my intelligence officers the number of letters from him will be at an unprecedented level. No actually I might place an advertisement in the newspaper asking Qarase to make his correspondence through emails. They have these Junk mail options so it will save my time and the money to buy a bigger bin. And yes I will also top flip-flopping.

“Continue blaming Qarase for all the troubles in Fiji. That also includes natural disasters. Can I also add Solomon Islands?

“Send a friendship wrist band to Helen Clark on 1^st of April. Incase she happens to return it, I can call her and say 'April Fool' to save the embarrassment. That will be a win-win situation. But more importantly if it works I will get to travel to New Zealand.

“Instigate Emergency Law after 10 anti-government public comments instead of the current figure of 5. I will also increase Qarase’s quota to 5 from the current figure of 4. I am not all that bad and this shows how much I believe in Freedom of Expression.

“As a show of goodwill to the European Union I will let only Santa Claus who I understand is a European himself, to announce the dates for the next general election. Let me emphasis the word ‘only’. This is to show the International community that we recognize the value of their aid.

“Complete reading my copy of ‘Running a Government for Dummies’. Oops! Sorry that was from my personal list.

“Well ladies and gentlemen I guess that’s about it for this year. I will cover poverty, unemployment, strikes and pay cuts in next New Years resolution.

Meanwhile other interim cabinet ministers approached for their New Years resolutions included the interim attorney general, who said that he would start using the legal research team in the AGs office to prevent another episode of wrongful appointment and embarrassment for the President or anyone else. Sorry I did not know we had such a section.

While another interim minister who did not wished to be name said that he has stopped making resolutions because he just does not have the will power to keep the resolutions, Poseci Bune had a more sober resolution and mentioned that he would stop saying ‘maybe’ and pay cut’ in the same sentence prior to any festive holiday. “I just didn’t realize how depressed I was going to make the families when I said whatever I said.”

The interim Finance Minister was in a heartier mood and said that in 2008 his first resolution would be to extend the amnesty period for all income tax payments.

Elsewhere, Laisenia Qarase has said that his resolution includes, trimming his moustache, losing weight and somehow get Mahendra Chaudary out of his thoughts.

RBF Says Early Warning System is Faulty

Not the first time it has failed.

The Reserve Bank of Fiji has stated that the failure of the Early Warning System (EWS) resulted in it not being able to pick out the discrepancies at FNPF.

“Whilst it's our job to see that all these financial and superannuation institutions have sound financial management and structure, we mostly rely on our Early Warning System which is located near Honolulu in Hawaii. Unfortunately this warning stuff failed so everyone has to know that it's really not our fault,” the Governor of the Reserve Bank stated in an interview this morning while referring to the scam at FNPF.

The RBF Governor, Savenaca Narube further stated that it was not the first time the EWS had failed. “Well apart from lot of smaller occurrences, which the EWS completely fails to pick, the last major one it failed to warn about was the $220million NBF scam. But let me assure the people of Fiji that we have sent a team to Hawaii to rectify the problem with the EWS and hopefully it picks out the next scam.”

Trying to explain the functional structure of the system, Mr. Narube said that the EWS has two components, one being the sensors for picking up the scam signals and the other is the communication component for relaying the warning signals.

However the members of public did not accept the explanation very kindly. One disgruntled worker at a local garment factory said, “The bastard thinks we are fools. Just because the damage done by scams to our country is usually equivalent to that done by tsunami does not mean that the EWS in Hawaii for tsunamis can be used for financial scams. Duh!”

Meanwhile, deposed Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase maintained that the RFMF has got rid of two of the best executives at FNPF but expressed disappointment with the executives for not revealing the secret of self-enrichment to him.

In other news, the interim Prime Minister, Commodore Frank Bainimarama in an interview with the Time magazine revealed that he has tasted power but it comes nowhere close to energy food drink Milo.

U.S Report on Human Rights Practices in 2006 Blasts RFMF

Improve or return to the barracks

The U.S State Department report on Human Rights Practices in 2006 has taken a swipe at the RFMF for failing to meet the international standard for human rights abuse and torture.

In a strongly worded report, the US State Department blamed the RFMF Commander, Commodore Frank Bainimarama for maintaining inadequate level of torture for political and non-political detainees and has asked the military to improve or return to the barracks if it is not up to the job.

”First of all, non of the detainees have any hood on while being tortured and from the information that we have on hand, it seems that there was absolutely no sexual torture and even if it happened where are the photos? It's a total shame that despite international news coverage and our effort and programs on torturing detainees in Iraq and Guantanamo it is just not being appreciated and effected by Fiji's military hierarchy,” a senior US State Dept spokesman commented after the release of the report.

However, the report was strongly criticized by the RFMF. According to the military spokesman, Major Neumi Leweni, the US Government has been seriously ill informed by its ambassador in Fiji and the governments of Australia and New Zealand.

“We would like to state that firstly the US government should not interfere into our internal affairs. And secondly, we are doing our best to match the torture standards and level of the US Government but lack of funding, military cooperation and aid has restricted our efforts in training our soldiers to match the standard set by the US Military and CIA officers,” Major Neumi Leweni stated in an emphatic tone.

Meanwhile, Fiji Women's Crisis Centre coordinator, Shamima Ali after receiving the U.S State Department's "Woman of Courage" award said, “I just wish that this award thingy was up for grabs back in 2000. Atleast I would have spoken up for the victims at Muaniweni.”

In other news, the RFMF Webmaster is actively looking for the owners of the website, Intelligentsiya to gain information on web marketing that has made the Intelligentsiya website so popular.

Chaudary Says The Budget Announcement Was A Mock Exercise

Hehehehe!

Just days after he announced the 2007 national budget, the interim Finance Minister, Mahendra Chaudary called a press conference and revealed that the budget announcement last Friday was a mock exercise.

“Well we are using military strategy and we created all the hype and announced something which sounded like the 2007 budget, looked like the 2007 budget but in realty it was just a mock exercise. We just wanted to gauge what the response from public and other sectors of the economy would be. Hehehehe!” Mr. Chaudary revealed with a smirk on his face.

The announcement left reporters at the scene with utter disbelief on their face and when faced with questions from reporters, Mr. Chaudary fired back with his set of questions.

“Tell me, did we announce the budget in parliament and got approval from representatives of people, or did we announce it in parliament at all? No we announced it at Holiday Inn and it's where people go to stay and have their lunches, not to announce budgets. And tell me this, do we really have to announce the budget. We are not accountable to anyone so all we will do is implement it.”

But Mr. Chaudary provided some relief when he told reporters at the conclusion of the press conference that the real budget has been drawn up and passed on to big businesses and other extremely concerned parties.

However the president of Fiji Retailers Association, Mr. Himmat Lodhia who had a lengthy interview on the budget published in one of the dailies today was lost for word when told by reporters about Mr. Chaudary's announcement. In response, Mr. Himmat Lodhia just said, “Oh!”

Meanwhile, the news of the mock budget exercise continued to create disappointment within political fraternity with the deposed Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase taking a swipe at the interim Government by saying that he spent a lot of time and had done intense brainstorming to make a negative comment on the budget and it was all a waste of his effort.

”But I want to say to this interim regime is that I am full of negative energy and I can assure them that no matter how good the actual budget will be, they should expect nothing but criticism from me,” Mr. Qarase added.

In other news, the RFMF has stated that they do not condone torture but just turn a blind eye towards it.

Commodore Asks Downer to Butt-Out

Detected Flying in Stealth Mode

The interim Prime Minister, Commodore Frank Bainimarama told Australian Foreign Minister to butt-out of Fiji's affairs after military multistatic radar detected Mr. Downers butt over Fiji.

Raising tensions between the two neighbors, the army commander in an infuriated tone took a swipe at Australia for breaching Fiji's sovereignty.

“It seems that this Downer guy was flying in stealth mode over Fiji and one of our multistatic radars picked up electromagnetic emission over Tavueni. The electromagnetic emission was radio communication being made by Downer,” the army commander explained in a press conference.

When questioned by reporters on how could he have confirmed if it was Alexander Downer; Commodore Bainimarama in a stern tone told reporters that the radio communication was actually conversation between Mr. Downer and Winston Peters and it was about him and some other things that he could not really decode.

The presence of Mr. Downer over the Fiji Islands was strongly denied by the Australian Foreign Ministry.

In a brief statement, the Australian Foreign Ministry stated that the claim by the Fijian Army Commander is ridiculous. It further stated that Mr. Downer is not equipped with stealth technology.

Meanwhile according to an insider and close confidante, Mr. Downer is equipped with stealth technology and was infact flying over the island of Tavueni.

“Yes I can confirm about the stealth stuff and his presence over Tavueni but let me state in no uncertain terms that the reason for Alex's presence was to get a glimpse of the Maravu Resort. There was no way he could have flown into Fiji so he had to use stealth mode. I am just surprised how was his butt detected,” the insider stated

However according to Professor Austin Clovis of the University of Tasmania who specializes in defense technologies, the basic reason Mr. Downers butt got detected was due to an increase in his RSC or Radar Cross Section.

“Speaking in layman's term, the size of Downer's butt increased since the stealth cover was first designed for him two years ago. This increase in size is not compatible with the smaller stealth suit designed initially and this led to emission of radio signals from his butt.

In other news, military intelligence officers have said that the former Prime Minister, Sitiveni Rabuka maybe onto something big after he was found to be watching the movie ‘Commando' three times a day.

State Plans To Sell Lekh Ram Vayeshnoi

For the betterment of the nation

A day after he was handed the productivity portfolio, the interim administration has announced that it would now sell off Lekh Ram Vayeshnoi to raise money for the state coffers.

“The national economy will shrink by 2-4% and we have discussed in cabinet meetings that the best option is to liquidate state assets. Well I am glad to announce that the biggest asset we have is Lekh Ram Vayeshnoi and we will sell him off,” the interim Finance Minister, Mahendra Chaudary announced in a press conference this morning.

The announcement left many in the local political circle shocked and bemused. According to a political commentator, it may be a master stroke by Mahendra Chaudary.

”Chaudary knows very well that Vayeshnoi is really pushing for investigation into Fiji Sports Council and selling him off now would attract bidders who may pay more then the current market valuation for Vayeshnoi. Well I guess its to be seen who eventually bids for him but lets just keep our fingers crossed that he does not fall into wrong hands,” the political commentator stated.

Following the announcement, Lekh Ram Vayeshnoi was contacted for comments when he revealed that it was news to him. Mr. Vayeshnoi further stated that if Mahendra Chaudary had made a decision to sell him off then it would be for the betterment of the nation and he has complete faith in Mr. Chaudary's decision.

“And in any case I doubt we would have been part of the next Commonwealth Games so I really don't have any regrets about not being the sports minister anymore,” Mr. Vayeshnoi emphatically stated.

Meanwhile, Laisenia Qarase has blasted the police force for shelving investigations against the army commander and stated that the job for letting criminals off should only be through CSO and extra mural release.

In other news, soft drink manufacturer, Coca Cola has written to the interim Attorney General seeking clarification if their right to unfair practices and bullying is derogable under the State of Emergency.

2010 Election Is For The Sake Of Democracy

And to kill coup culture

The Interim Government dismissed recommendations in the EPG Report for the election to be held within 18 – 24 months by declaring that it will be held in the year 2010 to allow everyone to exercise their democratic right to speak freely for the next three years.

In a statement released by the Interim Government, the last three months after the takeover has made people from all works of life speak out about democracy.

“The response from the NGOs' and public at large is very positive in the sense that the people of this country are really speaking out against illegal activities and illegitimate government. People also spoke out during the previous coups but their right to express themselves freely was cut short because of the international pressure to hold elections at the earliest. However this interim government assures the people of Fiji that you have three years to do that this time and there is absolutely no way this government would bow to international pressure and prevent you from speaking your mind and hearts out,” the statement read.

In addition the statement also read that if the people of Fiji would find the three years insufficient then a review of the time frame would be carried out and there maybe possible extension.

Following the announcement, Major Neumi Leweni of the RFMF in a brief press conference said that this method adopted by the interim government would be the best way for everyone to feel disgusted with the coup.

”Hearing all the negative vibes about coup and experiencing international isolation for atleast three years would teach everyone a lesson on how bad a coup can be. This is the only way we can kill the coup culture,” Major Leweni excitedly reveled.

However according to a political analyst, the move by the interim government to hold elections after three years is a very well structured plan to finish off Laisenia Qarase's political career.

”The RFMF is really smart by coming up with their 2010 election plan. They are letting Laisenia Qarase speak as much as he wants to for atleast next three years. Now think, who would want to listen to Qarase during the election campaign? Definitely not after three years of blabbing on every topic under the Fijian sun. And to prove our theory, let me just ask a simple question, why is the biggest mouth in Fiji's politics so quiet? Because Vayeshnoi is himself aware of this strategy,” the political analyst proudly explained.

In other news, it was reported in the ‘Duh' magazine that the f our former Fiji soldiers, hired by conman and self-proclaimed king Noah Musingku to train his private army on Bougainville, have said that Musingku does not have the money pay them one million dollar each as promised.

EPG Report Released

Draws Criticism From All Sectors

The Foreign Eminent Persons Group has released an eighty-one-page report with various recommendations and guidelines to enable Fiji to return to democratic rule.

The group, which had visited the top echelons of power and the deposed Prime Minister, recommended among other things that the interim government take immediate steps to replace Fiji kava with Vanuatu kava from all the ceremonies in Fiji where kava is used.

The report further stated that the interim Prime Minister Commodore Frank Bainimarama resign from his post and be replaced by a civilian who is not biased towards Vanuatu kava.

While speaking to reporters' soon after the report was released to foreign government ministries, New Zealand Prime Minister, Helen Clark stated that the report was in line with the aspirations of her Government and said that the best thing for the army commander to do would be to adhere to the recommendations of the report within 18-24 months.

”Considering the shipping schedules and timing of orders from Vanuatu kava suppliers, I think that the recommended time frame is sufficient. The rewards are there for them once they embrace the recommendation of the report and I have been advised that there is a gift package which would be given to Fiji once Vanuatu Kava totally replaces Fiji Kava,” Ms Clark said.

However the report drew huge criticism from the interim government, which said that the report is clearly biased. Interim Attorney General, Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum stated that considering the fact that the Deputy Prime Minister of Vanuatu led the EPG, the Vanuatu Kava deal was always to be expected.

Meanwhile, the Fiji Sugar and General Workers Union General Secretary, Felix Anthony released a brief press release which read that the EPG report is biased and the interim government should not accept its recommendation. “Our aim is to make workers unproductive, not completely doped out,” Mr. Anthony s tat ed in the press release.

In other news, Activist Laisa Digitaki had her name removed from the Travel Ban list and place in the Partial Travel Ban list, which would allow her to travel to court and military barracks only.

Bainimarama Admits He No Longer Understands The Clean-Up Campaign Concept

Orders Manhunt For Laisa Digitaki To Explain It

The interim Prime Minister, Commodore Frank Bainimarama shocked the entire nation in a press conference this morning by revealing that he has lost the ground realty of his Clean-Up Campaign.

The announcement, which was meant to propose ways to return Fiji to democratic rule, surprised everyone when Bainimarama said that he has absolutely no idea how to carry on with the Clean-Up Campaign.

“If it was termed ‘4 th Coup' as I had originally proposed during pre 5 th December meetings, then I would have known the exact moves to be executed. Damn those advisers who just wanted to make the term ‘Clean-Up Campaign' more marketable,” a frustrated Bainimarama stated.

According to a military advisor who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the army commander has stayed awake entire nights in recent weeks trying to work out what exactly happens in the Clean-Up Campaign.

Following the announcement by Commodore Bainimarama, military spokesperson, Major Neumi Leweni acknowledged that the army commander has lost track of the Clean-Up Campaign but all is not lost and according to their estimates Commodore Bainimarama will definitely be able to figure out the Clean-Up Campaign Concept by the year 2019.

Major Neumi Leweni further stated that they will not sit and wait until the year 2019 and to speed up the timetable, they would start looking for Laisa Digitaki more aggressively.

“Well we very well know that its Laisa Digitaki who knows everything about the Clean-Up Campaign concept so we will hunt her down and then it will be killing two birds with one stone. The Clean-Up Campaign concept thoroughly explained and Laisa would be in our detention,” Major Leweni explained with a grin.

Meanwhile, it was revealed that 10 of the 23 Government CEOs were not happy with the way they were sacked and have re-applied to be sacked properly.

In other news, the deposed Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase said that the Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, misunderstood him and it was not military intervention but marshmallows that he had requested for.

Qarase Files For Divorce From Bainimarama

Cites lack of commitment

The deposed Prime Minister shocked the entire nation this morning by announcing that he will be filing for a divorce from the military commander Commodore Frank Bainimarama.

In a statement released through his lawyer, Tevita Fa, the divorce application would be filed with the court registry this morning and cited non-commitment, lack of communication and Bainimarama's lack of respect and love for him.

The relationship, which began soon after the 2000 coup, was always under media scrutiny and on rough road too many a time.

When approached for comment by local news media this morning, Mr. Qarase sounded quite devastated but said that it's the best option in the current circumstances. “Well you can only take the horse to the well but can't make him fall in love with the water,” a philosophical Qarase explained.

Mr. Qarase also spoke of the reasons, which made him file for the divorce. “Well we don't talk anymore but I was really committed to make this work. I was waiting for Valentines Day as I thought it was the perfect opportunity to rekindle the spark. I called him so many times and sent more then a 100 SMS but either his phone was diverted or engaged and even if it rang no one answered. I also left many messages in his voice bank but sadly there was no reply. Well atleast I know that I did my part,” Mr. Qarase stated.

Laisenia Qarase also revealed that what really saddened him more was when he checked the mobile phone balance after the calls he realized that they were no longer on family phone package. “I know I didn't cancel the family phone deal but one of us definitely did it. Plus its just not that, I made many attempts to travel to Suva to meet Frank but he under the guise of national security has confined me to this island. The very fabric of a good and healthy relationship has been lost,” Laisenia Qarase further explained.

However when approached for comment, Commodore Frank Bainimarama said that it's a total lie that Laisenia Qarase had called him or sent him SMS. “Even if he did call or sent the SMS as he claims, it's not my fault that I didn't receive it. Why does he not ask Vodafone because I know from our intelligence officers that Vodafone was conspiring to prevent us from communicating like it did with so many other lovers today,” Commodore Bainimarama explained.

But according to a source who had close ties to the two parties the rift in their relationship came because of Laisenia Qarase's exorbitant lifestyle. “Frank is a very neat and tidy person and he always asked Qarase to cleanup the house regularly and do things within budget but Qarase always ignored it. He was damn exorbitant especially when he went on his shopping excursions. Qarase should have seen it coming and I think he has accepted it that its his fault which is the reason he is filing for the divorce,” the source revealed.

Meanwhile according to Professor Richard Clark of USP who has done research and studies in love and marriage relationships, the relationship between the two was always bound to fail right from day one. “Our studies show that the chances of long-term relationship is only possible if both of them have mustache or are clean shaved. The option that should have always been taken was for either Mr. Bainimarama to grow a mustache or for Mr. Qarase to shave his. Well I guess eventually the two men's ego got the better of them and the result has been made evident today,” Professor Clark explained referring to the divorce application filed by Laisenia Qarase.

In other news, the General Manager of Daily Post newspaper has said that if the interim government reveals how the newspaper makes losses year after year then it will file a lawsuit against the interim government for revealing its trade secret.

Weatherman Speaks

Leaves Reporters At The Scene Numb

The Fiji Meteorological Services Director Rajendra Prasad hit news headlines yesterday after he decided to speak.

Speaking on various issues relating to the services provided by them, Mr. Prasad revealed the lack of funding, decrease in maintenance budgets and need for upgrading equipment.

”We have had our maintenance budget chopped from $200,000 per year to around $45,000 per year but I am just glad and I must sincerely thank the government for letting me keep my pay packet and job,” Mr. Prasad said.

The reporters who were called up for a press conference at the FMD were virtually numb when Rajendra Prasad appeared and eventually spoke.

“This is much bigger news then the 5 th December coup. I mean this guy will never speak up never mind what happens and what happened today was just beyond our belief. And let me say that it was easier to predict the coup then his (Rajendra Prasad) appearance,” one of the reporters exclaimed.

However critics of Mr. Prasad did not hold back their dislike for his method of working. According to Patrick Breur, who has a private small-scale weather station of his own, Rajendra Prasad only comes forward to speak of the inefficiencies of his department after disaster has struck.

“This chap is so glued to his chair that he will make sure that everything is ‘normal until his butt is on fire after the floods and everything else. This guy is better then the best politician we have. He definitely knows how to save his job,” Mr. Breur.

According to another critic who spoke on the condition of anonymity has advised Rajendra Prasad to get into the habit of going to the media when budget cuts are made. The critic further stated that lots of things get done through the media and also told Mr. Prasad to get his dictionary and check for the phrase ‘preemptive action'.

Meanwhile, deposed Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase has said that Mahendra Chaudary will lead Fiji into disaster while quoting from the Book of Revelations.

In other news, the RFMF after receiving complains from motorists has announced that potholes will replace the ropes at all the checkpoints.

Qarase Dismisses Claim of Empty State Coffers

“What About the Money Tree”

The deposed Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase dismissed claims by the interim Finance Minister that the state coffers are empty and said that there was always money to pay for governments expenditure during a telephone interview from his Mavana home.

“Its shocking to hear Chaudary saying that there is no money and that the civil servants will have to take a 5% pay cut. Well the public should know that after the 2000 coup when we had to implement the 12.5% pay cut, I immediately got my think tanks from various sectors and that's when we worked on something that was unprecedented and highly innovative. We planted money,” a stern sounding Qarase revealed.

Mr. Qarase further stated that the project was called, Hydromonics, and the different species of plants were genetically engineered for different denominations.

“We were not stupid to sign the agreements with unions for multi-million dollar COLA payout and have so many ministers in the cabinet without planning where the fund was coming from. Now the question I would like to ask Mr. Clever is where are these plants now,” Mr. Qarase stated.

However a source, who was closely associated with the ‘Hydromonics' project revealed that the money tree really does exist but the denominations were just coins and not dollars.

In response to Mr. Qarase's claim, Mahendra Chaudary blushed it off by saying that he had heard about the secret money tree project but the claims are baseless.

”I think Qarase was keeping everyone under the impression that money can be planted and reaped to justify his governments exorbitant spending. Nevertheless this is just too important a claim to be ignored and we will be seeking answers from anyone who was involved in this so called project,” Mr. Chaudary stated.

Confirmation was also sought from Professor Jean Linseed of the Monash University who specializes in money plants and mental disorders. According to Professor Linseed, the money-planting concept has been in simultaneous existence with mentally disturbed patients for a number of years.

In a separate report to Mr. Qarase's claims, the Rotuma Island Council has stated that Laisenia Qarase's revelation has given them a new lease of hope that biscuits can be planted.

Meanwhile, the General Secretary of Fiji Sugar and General Workers Union, Felix Anthony said that it took FSC years to build its reputation as the most unproductive workplace and he would let anyone one tarnish that image by trying to ban kava at its workplace.

In other news, the director of Immigration Services, Viliame Naupoto in an effort to weed out corruption was spotted shopping for weedicides

Qarase Denies Calling Chaudary Clever

“I was misunderstood”

The deposed Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase has denied calling the interim Finance Minister, Mahendra Chaudary, ‘Clever'.

Speaking to a local reporter from his Mavana home, Mr. Qarase said that he was just making an inquiry into possible names that he could have called Mahendra Chaudary.

”I think there has been some misunderstanding. I was just making an inquiry on my own initiative and what I had was an entire 20 pages list of names that I could call Chaudary. I had lots of options on the list but believe me the word ‘clever' was not one of it," Mr. Qarase explained

Mr. Qarase also said that he still believes that he is the legitimate holder of the ‘clever' title.

However, the claim by Mr. Qarase of not calling Mahendra Chaudary ‘clever' was totally dismissed by the RFMF. In a statement released a short while ago, the RFMF stated that Laisenia Qarase called Chaudary clever on three occasions.

“We have all the reasons to believe that Laisenia Qarase opted to use the word “clever' as a reference to Mahendra Chaudary on multiple occasions and the entire population of Fiji should know how low can this Qarase guy stoop by saying what he said,” the unsigned statement read.

When questioned by reporters before he left for Labasa to survey the flood damage, Mr. Chaudary giggled and responded, “Well if he did call me ‘clever' then we should take joy in the fact that Qarase has finally started to speak truthfully.”

Meanwhile, the Methodist Church of Fiji after releasing the unsigned 20-point statement released a revised doctrine stating that apart from being accountable to God they are also accountable to RFMF.

In other news, the Minister for Public Services, Poseci Bune has asked the public sector union representatives to stop thinking of their pockets only and consider the plight of the entire trousers.

Australia and New Zealand Refuses To Help Fiji

Says ‘We are no longer friends'

The Government of Australia and New Zealand have refused to provide any help to the interim government of Fiji by telling the government officials here that the friendship is over.

The Australian government in a brief press statement stated that they do not function in the ‘Pacific Way' of forgiving and moving on. “How can the interim government of Fiji contemplate in their wildest dreams that its ok to make negative comments about our government and then ask for assistance. We have to wonder if this is some psychological game and if it is it's a very stupid one,” the statement signed of by the Australian Foreign affairs Minister read.

According to senior Australian diplomat who spoke on condition of anonymity said “Yeah they don't even allow us into their homes and next thing you know is that they start asking for favors. I would recommend to them to go and read one of the Enid Blyton books to get the hang of friendship concept,”

However New Zealand government cited a totally different reason for the breakup. “Friends do not humiliate each other. We just fail to see any rationale in beating us so badly in the Wellington Sevens. Friendship is more about letting your friend win rather then doing the opposite,” a statement released from the New Zealand Foreign Affairs read.

In response to the Australasian governments statements, the RFMF called a press conference where Major Neumi Leweni said that the comments by the two governments is inciting. “If they do not want to help us, we will not help them in anyway.” The last statement left reporters at the scene somewhat baffled and many wondered what help was Fiji exactly offering to the Australian and New Zealand government.

Meanwhile it was reported in the ‘Yeah Right!' magazine that the inclusion of Deputy Commander of RFMF, Captain Esala Teleni would make the Fiji Independent Corruption Commission truly independent.

In other news, after holding Ba to a nil all draw in the first leg of the Champion Versus Champion series, a number of Suva soccer team members have opted to retire from soccer by saying that there is nothing more left to achieve after this feat.

Deposed Ministers Families Presents Petition To the Interim Prime Minister

“This W a s The Last Thing That We Ever Wanted”

Just months after the government of Laisenia Qarase was toppled by the RFMF, the families of the deposed ministers have presented a petition to the interim Prime Minister for him to do something which will make the deposed ministers spend less time with their families.

At a press conference held soon after the petition was presented, the group, representing the families of the deposed ministers, headed by Mrs. Ted Young and Mrs. Josefa Vosanibola told reporters that the move by the RFMF is completely disastrous for them and their kids and it was the last thing they had ever wanted

“We do not have any problems with the cleanup campaign, but I want to ask the interim Prime Minister who will be responsible for ‘this' cleanup at our homes. We need answers Mr. Commodore and we need it really soon. You are responsible for our suffering and I just wonder for how long,” an angry Mrs. Young asked.

Similar sentiments was also echoed by Mrs. Vosanibola saying that Mr. Josefa Vosanibola was wreaking havoc in the two months he has been at home, placing extra grills and suddenly hiding under the bed and constantly telling her that his doors are open for any discussion when infact he was hiding inside the cabinet most of the time

However according to a source who received the petition at the Prime Ministers office, told reporters that the petition contained suggestions on what the interim PM could do about the deposed Ministers and included TPAFF training for other employment options or at the very least find them hobby.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Young is casting an envious eye at the wife of interim Finance Minister, Mahendra Chaudary, who appears to be holding his job for another five years: "I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have a husband who's putting government officials on hot plates instead of doing something in her kitchen.

In a separate report, deposed Prime Minister has expressed disappointment with the EPG for failing to do a number of things that e had requested one being bringing him a Mc Chicken burger complete meal.

In other news, the Chairman of FMF, Mr. Hari Punja stated that the cassava industry will very soon overtake the sugar industry and it will rain frogs.

New Zealand Bans Parade

‘Safety of Helen Clark is Paramount'

The New Zealand government in a press release today revealed that they would not allow the Wellington Sevens parade to start from the parliament house, as has been the tradition.

The statement issued through its Sports Ministry and signed by the Sports Minister, Trevor Mallard read that the security detail of the PM was reviewed and as a counter measure would not allow the parade to start from the parliament house.

“The safety of our PM is paramount and we would not jeopardize it by hosting the Fijian Team made up of world class and very big players as we have ascertained that the lightening speed at which Fijian players move would not be handled by the New Zealand PM's security detail.” The statement further read that the security personnel have been specifically trained for speeding bullets but not the Fijians.”

However according to a source close to the Sports Minster, the plan to change the route of the parade was a proposal forwarded to the minister by the New Zealand coach, Gordon Teitjens who the source revealed told the minister that the New Zealand government can also play a part in helping their team beat Fiji.

Meanwhile Mr. Mallard in a press conference has also disclosed that he will not be attending any of Fiji's games. When asked by a reporter on the reasons, the panicky looking Sports Minster angrily shot back, “Which part of ‘Fijians being faster then speeding bullet' did you not understand.”

In a separate report published in the ‘How To Rip ‘Em Off Better' magazine, the local banks after making huge profits advised the customers that as part of their effort to reduce their profit margin and make banking services much cheaper, they will make ATM withdrawals free except during the weekends..

In other news, after Commodore Frank Bainimarama called Mahendra Chaudary Robin Hood, Lekh Ram Vayeshnoi called a press conference to state that he was Friar Tuck

Jale Baba Wants To Visit QEB Again

“I did not learn my lesson”

The former director of Soqosoqo Ni Duavata Ni Lewenivanua party, Jale Baba has confirmed to the news media reporters that is not afraid to go to the QEB Barracks again.

In a sharp rebuke to his detention last week, Jale Baba came out firing and told reporters that the military did not teach him the lesson properly.

”I mean I really expected something good but what I experienced has left much to be desired of the armed forces teachers. It was as if I was teaching them. Either I know more or they don't know anything,” Mr. Baba confirmed.

Mr. Baba also told reporters that the military resorted to ‘psychological bullying' but they did not know that he was always ready for what the military had in store for him.

“They tried psychological bullying and what they did was take my cigarettes and threw it out of the window thinking that I will give in and learn the lesson in the shortest possible time. I always knew that cigarettes is one of my weaknesses and the military would very well try to exploit it, I mean c'mon they have intelligence officers everywhere, but what they didn't know was that I had nicotine patches all over my body. Actually I was prepared for the ordeal for atleast 3 days,” a smiling Jale Baba explained.

Mr. Baba concluded his interview with the reporters by again retreating that he will only give the RFMF another chance to teach him a lesson. “You better have good teachers or don't bother calling me again.

Meanwhile, the former Sugar Cane Growers Council CEO defended his decision on writing a $17000 Cheque to his lawyers by saying, “I was just trying to make a point on how expensive lawyers are nowadays.”

In other news, after publicly announcing that they foresaw the court action by FHRC, the Fiji Law Society has been approached by hundreds of people asking the FLS if it also does palm reading.

Ousted Ministers Become Farmers

“ Best Job Prior To Election”

In a revelation that is least likely to surprise anyone, the ousted ministers in the SDL government have returned to their villages to become farmers.

While speaking on the whereabouts of the ousted ministers to the local media, Soqosoqo Duavata ni Lewenivanua Party national director Peceli Kinivuwai, said that most of the deposed ministers will now concentrate on farming at least until the next general election.

”It is part of the plan outlined in our strategic paper that we prepared prior to the takeover,” the national director was quoted as saying.

According to a source close to Ted Young, the former minister is in Lomaivuna tending to his farm and praying daily for early elections.

”Well Ted knows that the best option prior to a general election is to do farming. Has anyone ever heard of mining assistance scheme or tourism assistance scheme or poverty alleviation scheme? Definitely not! Duh! It's the farming assistance scheme and these guys know how much advantage is in becoming farmers. The bucks is in farming and specifically before elections,” the source excitedly revealed.

However according to a report released by the Ministry of Agriculture, and published in the ‘Duh!' magazine, stated that the agriculture farming schemes do not benefit the farmers.

Meanwhile, the RFMF will file a complaint with the Fiji Human Rights Commission for emotional and psychological torture by prominent Suva lawyer, Richard Naidu who the military claims used “extremely difficult English words” and “non-understandable metaphors” while being interrogated.

In other news, businesswoman, Laisa Digitaki has claimed that the military has cheated and should have counted up to 10,000 before starting to look for her.

Helen Clark Denies Reports of Being Silly

Presents Psychiatrist Report To Back Her Claim

In a press conference held at her office in Wellington, New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark has denied reports in various newspapers and TV that she is silly.

Backing her claim with a one liner report from a little known psychiatrist, Belinda Marshall, Ms Clark told reporters that her report clearly stated that she is not silly. “Look at this report, I am not silly.”

However according to a source in the New Zealand Prime Ministers office, who claimed that he received the report personally, the report read that ‘Helen is Not Sally' instead of ‘Helen is Not Silly.'

”I am not sure whether it's a misprint or what but I saw it and what's typed on it is ‘Sally' and not ‘Silly'. And let me give you some inside info, since last couple of weeks Ms Clark had been asking us to call her ‘Sally' and I think one of her friends sent Ms Clark to Belinda Marshall for dual personality disorder checkup. And there you go it has been confirmed that she is not Sally,” the source revealed.

The revelation seemed to please the interim Prime Minister of Fiji, Commodore Frank Bainimarama who while speaking on a local radio program said; “I think Helen should also get a ear check done so that at least we can know if she is deaf because all our pleas are falling on deaf ears. The Sally thing is really funny and I just wonder what would John Howard would want others to call him, Captain Howdy?” Mr. Bainimarama joked.

Meanwhile military spokesman, Major Neumi Leweni has stated that Human Rights in Fiji are safe and intact before adding, “Seriously!”

In other news it has been revealed that a number of bars and nightclubs around the country will cut down on their operating hours and stock levels after Wayne Pivac returns to New Zealand.

Commodores Warning Fails To Move New Zealand

Leading Geologists Confirm

In what was supposed to be his strongest move to date, the Interim Prime Minister Commodore Frank Bainimarama has failed to move New Zealand.

A fter the CEO in Prime Ministers office was refused entry into New Zealand, the Interim Prime Minister had decided to move New Zealand and bring it right beside Fiji. However confirmations received from prominent geologists strongly indicated that there was absolutely no movement whatsoever.

“Well generally we keep a tab on the Alpine Faults which is right in between the Pacific and Australia plates and where New Zealand lies. After the Fijian Prime Ministers move, we did record seismic activity but not any movement,” a leading Geologist at the University of Auckland confirmed.

However according to a source at the Fiji MRD, the move was always bound to fail. “I mean use your common sense, how can we ever move a country. Well if it was Mavana then yeah maybe but not New Zealand,” the source blabbed.

Nevertheless a statement released from the Prime Ministers office, soon after the confirmation of zero movement was received, stated, “Where this is a will there is a way.”

Meanwhile, deposed Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase has requested the military for permission to visit Suva to have pedicure and manicure done in anticipation of the visit by the Eminent Persons Group from the Pacific Forum countries.

In other news, the sacked CEOs' have released a joint statement on how shocked they are after it was announced that they would return to Earth .

Qarase to Increase The Number of Press Releases

”Special request by news media”

In his boldest move to date, deposed Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase announced yesterday from his Mavana village home that he would increase the number of press statements per day to 8.

“Well I have been approached by couple of news media people and they have requested me to reconsider my number of press releases per day. I have spoken to my family and consulted the members of my SDL Party and we have agreed to issue a press release every hour starting at 8AM and completing the days quota by 4PM,” Mr. Qarase announced.

After the announcement, the news media reporters went into frenzy and according to a reporter from the local dailies it was the best thing to happen.

“This was the best news since December 5th and has made our work so much easier. All we have to do is wait for Mr. Qarase's statements and then check with RFMF. And there you go, the best news every hour.

However according to a source close to Mr. Qarase, the FNPF and not the return to democracy is the main reason for the deposed Prime Ministers move.

”Qarase has been trying to withdraw his FNPF funds for medical treatment and he just could not get it processed. Actually he approached the interim Prime Minister to help him with the withdrawal because no one was actually listening to him at FNPF. I think but I am not really sure but I think I heard Qarase saying FNPF funds or more press releases,” the source confirmed.

Meanwhile, Laisenia Qarase has told the RFMF that the emergency decree should only have been effected after riot, looting, rapes, and murder.

In other news, after it was reported that Justice Anthony Gates broke his trust by accepting the acting Chief Justice position, Justice Daniel Fatiaki was seen shopping for super glue.

Downer is a Bully

“From high school days”

In a joint statement released by the four nations of the Melanesian Spearhead Group, the Foreign Affairs Minister of Australia, Alexander Downer has been labeled a bully.

The statement further read that it's a known fact that Mr. Downer has the bullying traits right from his high school days and what he is doing now is just an extension to his age-old habit.

In a separate press briefing after the statement was released, the foreign affairs minister of Papua New Guinea, Paul Tiensten said that he knows Alexander Downer from high schools days.

“Look at his size and look at my size, I mean this guy is a bad ass and he always took my lunch. And only person he was afraid of was a Chinese guy and an American guy. Well what I can say is that Alex still thinks we are in high school and he can go around bullying,” Mr. Teinsten quipped.

However, in a press release from the Australian Foreign Affairs Ministry, claims by Mr. Teinsten were refuted and the statement read that Mr. Alexander Downer had a huge appetite for island food and any child of his age and size would have done the same. The statement further called for passive resistance by all bullies against Mr. Teinsten

Meanwhile in a separate report published in the ‘Yeah Right!” magazine, Laisenia Qarase has said that he is still the Prime Minister of Fiji.

In other news, the Chairman of the Great Council of Chiefs was reported to have said that chiefs should stay out of politics while addressing the mirror.

Qarase Reveals Identity of Shadowy Figures

“More release of tapes will follow”

In a specially arranged teleconference to the local and international media, deposed Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase revealed details on the identity of the shadowy figures behind the 5 th December coup plotters.

The details were in the tape-recorded under a covert operation and carried narration by Mr. Qarase himself. In a scene from the recording, when the tape was played, the camera was focused on a dark figure behind the interim Prime Minister, Commodore Frank Bainimarama.

”Now you will notice a figure behind the military commander and ladies and gentleman that one is the shadowy figure behind him,” M. Qarase narrated.

However the largely overseas media reporters who had hoped for a scintillating revelation were dismayed with the evidence.

”What we saw was Mr. Bainimarama's shadow. You have a shadow, I have a shadow and everyone does and what sort of evidence is that,” a reporter from New Zealand based newspaper exclaimed.

Without realizing the quality of his evidence, Mr. Qarase played another tape, except this time it featured only the movement of a shadow. “This shadowy figure is the main guy behind the coup. This one follows the army commander everywhere,” Mr. Qarase further narrated.

The teleconference was concluded with Mr. Qarase announcing that he will soon release more tapes of the covert operation after which one of the media personnel asked Mr. Qarase on the identity of the operative.

”Well we have a free lancing covert operative named Peter Foster,” Mr. Qarase replied.

Meanwhile, Laisenia Qarase has announced that he will travel to Suva in the year 2020.

In other news, former Labour Minister, Kenneth Zinck was spotted at a local pub with duct tape on his mouth and a brand new duct tape roll in his pocket.

Beddoes Blasts Bainimarama

"Give Interim Authority Back to Civilian Rule"

In a press conference held this evening, the former leader of the opposition, Mick Beddoes blasted the interim Prime Minister Commodore Frank Bainimarama for not returning the interim authority to civilian rule.

Wearing a guru shirt with the word ‘civilian' inscribed all over it, Mr. Beddoes reiterated that only a ‘civilian' could carry Fiji forward and into international acceptance.

Answering to a reporter on who was the best civilian candidate for prime minister-ship, Mr. Beddoes replied, “Think with your brain, ask your heart and look at my guru shirt”, before adding further that it doesn't take an Einstein to work out who the civilian is.

Mr. Beddoes concluded the press conference by telling reporters that incase the military changes its stance and opts for pure civilian rule, he would vie for a role in the interim administration and would most definitely hold dual portfolio. On being questioned by a reporter on his choice of portfolios, Mr. Beddoes replied, "Well Finance Ministry is one that I will take for sure because of my exceptional sudoku puzzle skills and the other portfolio is a two word name and starts with the letter 'P' ".

However a statement released by the RFMF later in the evening stated that people should not be fooled by Mr. Beddoes' call for civilian rule and that it was part of his personal agenda. The statement further read that the RFMF would now investigate what the personal agenda is.

Meanwhile, coup convict, George Speight said that he has new grounds for appeal and has requested the Fiji Human Rights Commission Director, Dr. Shaista Shameem to prepare and submit a report on the 2000 coup and the legality of his role in it.

In other news, deposed Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase sighted the freak tornado incident in Lautoka as sign from the God that it is cyclone season in Fiji.

DEFECTED LABOUR MPS SPOTTED

CAUGHT WHILE FEEDING DOVES

The Labour Party special task force that was setup to look into reports of dissident MPs' have reportedly identified 3 of them who will now appear before a board of inquiry.

In a press conference called by the Labour Party this morning, the special tasks force head Lekh Ram Vayeshnoi revealed about the secret operation that had been underway since the first report of dissident MPs, surfaced 3 months ago.

“We secretly monitored all the Labour MPs' and tracked their daily movements.” “Out of all the MPs', 3 of them were feeding doves every morning,” Mr. Vayeshnoi informed.

An elated Mr. Vayeshnoi then burst the bubble when he said, “And it does not really take a genius to work out whose party the ‘dove' symbol belongs to.”

However, the three MPs' who had been identified have denied ever feeding the doves and requested the Labour Party to discuss the issue in the Talanoa Forum.

Meanwhile in a counter statement released this afternoon, the SDL Party has stated that their party symbol is the Pigeon and not a Dove.

The statement further read that the recent heavy rain and floods was orchestrated by the Labour Party to divert attention from this 'Dissident MP' controversy.

In other news, the low attendance on the opening day at this year's Wellington Sevens has been attributed to the absence of top entertainer, Kenneth Zinck

GOVERNMENT REFUSES TO INCREASE BUDGET FOR WEATHER OFFICE

NUMBER OF FLASH FLOODS NOT GOOD ENOUGH

The Government has refused to increase the budget for the Fiji Meteorological Centre saying it needs more flash floods to have an accurate gauge of the radars.

The Fiji Meteorological Centre Director, Rajendra Prasad was earlier reported as saying that the radars are faulty and they need an extra $1.7million to fix the radar.

A source at the Fiji Meteorological Centre confirmed that the government had advised them to wait for better flash floods for at least another decade before an accurate evaluation of the radar can be obtained and the decision made on increasing the funding.

However according to the source, the 10-year deadline may already be over citing the number of flash in the last 10 years.

”Mr. Prasad needs to be more sharp and should have told the government on the number of flash floods in the last decade and the amount of damage it had caused,” the source quipped.

Meanwhile, Fiji Meteorological Centre Director, Rajendra Prasad refuted claims that there were flash floods in the last 10 years showing radar reports to back his claim.

In a separate report, the Commissioner of Police has reportedly advised the Fiji Meteorological Centre Director, Rajendra Prasad to stop thinking of his job security and be more vocal in the media against the lack of funding and to immediately call a press conference.

In other news, the RFMF has decided to wait on issuing a statement against the Home Affairs Minister until the weather clears citing the current media attention being focused on flash floods and landslides.

CHAUDARY MEETS BEAZLEY

WILL FULFILL PROMISE AFTER THEY WIN ELECTION

The Leader of the Opposition, Hon. Mahendra Chaudary visited his Labour counterpart and Australian Opposition Leader, Hon. Kim Beazley and secured promises of better future for the garment industry.

Mr. Beazley in a press conference after the meeting assured Mr. Chaudary of looking into the plight of the local garment industry and in particular concerns about the rules of origin once the Australian Labour Party wins the next general election.

An excited Mr. Chaudary announced of the positive outcome of the meeting and took a swipe at the Qarase led government at its laxity in dealing with the issues.

”How many trade promises did our Prime Minister managed to secure after being in government for so long,” Mr. Chaudary questioned.

However, according to experts, although this trade promise may be the last lifeline for the ailing industry the bigger concern is that it would take another 15 odd years before the Australian Labour Party may come to power and work on their promise.

Meanwhile, a source close to Mr. Chaudary revealed that he (Mr. Chaudary) was in hibernation for last four years and thinks that the garment industry has just started to falter.

”Once Mr. Chaudary gets the reality check and finds out that he is four years late and the garment industry is taking its last breath, then some of his advisors will be in big, big trouble,” the source blabbed.

In other news, George Speight has announced that in exchange for freedom he would reveal to the nation that he carried out the coup.

JOSEFA VOSANIBOLA REFUTES CLAIM

“THE COMPLAINT WAS AGAINST VODAFONE”

The Minister of Home Affairs, Hon Josefa Vosanibola has stated that he did not file a complaint against the Army Commander, Commodore Frank Bainimarama.

Speaking to reporters via live video feed from an undisclosed location, Mr. Vosanibola clarified that he had instead lodged the complaint against Vodafone.

“Well it seems like when I mentioned ‘Vodafone', the officer noting my complaint heard it as Voreqe.” “My bad,” Mr. Vosanibola added.

To further underscore his reasoning, Mr. Vosanibola confirmed that they had carried out a survey and found out that the army commander is commonly known by the name of Voreqe.

When asked by a reporter via a satellite phone on the reason for the complain against Vodafone and his current choice of residency, Mr. Vosanibola said that he did it after Vodafone disconnected his mobile number even though he had 3 days left to recharge the account. And before giving out a reason for his undisclosed location, Mr. Vosanibola switched off the video transmission.

However, in a press release by Vodafone Fiji, it has stated that a proactive approach is now being taken to help customers save the money.

“It's a two phase strategic plan with phase 1 involving traffic congestion on our network and the second phase is where we disconnect the account before due date,” the statement read.

Meanwhile, the RFMF confirmed at midday today it would release a statement on Friday about something sensational because it seemed like that they were being forgotten.

“We had received a good publicity in the last few weeks and it's a shame that people have started to talk about Benny Hinn, Mick Beddoes and Charan Jeath Singh.

In other news, the Leader of Opposition, Hon Mahendra Chaudary has requested the Prime Minister, Hon Laisenia Qarase to stop bringing work tension to home and taking it out on him.

WEATHERMAN PREDICTS MAY END TO HIGH TEMPERATURE

“WOULD STEADILY RISE UNTIL AUGUST”

The Director Of Fiji Meteorological Department, Rajendra Prasad has stated that the high temperature may last until August and would steadily rise.

Mr. Prasad after warning of high temperature took a swipe at Mahendra Chaudary and Laisenia Qarase for contributing much to the temperature rise.

“Our radar had detected high heat signatures around the Suva area and on close analysis, the two bodies emitting really high level of heat were these two leaders.” “Fortunately our forecast shows that the high temperature may end in August,”

However according to a source close to the Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase, the high heat emitted by Mr. Qarase is because the sun is positioned right over Fiji and the military gun right over his head.

“The quantity of heat emitted could have been much higher had it not been for the Labour Party who at the end of the day gets to absorb most of the heat.” “Maybe Mr. Qarase is just using the Labour Party to demonstrate to the army commander and everyone else, how tough he can be,” the source suggested referring to the complaint filed against Jokapeci Koroi.

Meanwhile, the Opposition Leader, Mahendra Chaudary confirmed that the Meteorological Department radar is not accurate because he does not emit any heat and would present documented evidence to back his claim at a press conference tomorrow.

In other news, Mick Beddoes, after resigning from the Netball World Cup organizing committee, announced that he realized of his conflict of interest after being healed by Benny Hinn

SDL BEGINS GENERAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN

SANJEEV MUDALIAR TO TAKE CHARGE

The 2006 General Election campaign began at a ferocious pace with the SDL party appointing former Carpenters Fiji Marketing Director, Sanjeev Mudaliar as its Campaign Director.

Appearing with the tattoo of a dove on his left arm, Mr. Mudaliar immediately announced to the reporters present at the scene that SDL will deliver everything that they will promise

“We are aiming to make the giveaways bigger and better then the last time,” an excited Sanjeev Mudaliar confirmed.

Giving a brief speech after introducing Mr. Mudaliar, SDL's General Secretary, Jale Baba told reporters that he used to disguise himself as different characters and go to the Carpenters Road Shows to gauge Sanjeev Mudaliar's performance.

“There was this one time when I went up to one of the Road Show disguised as Mahendra Chaudary and then I experienced Sanjeev's anger towards ‘Mahend' when I asked for a discount.” “I came back and told Mr. Qarase about my experience and he asked me to get Sanjeev on board," Mr. Baba continued.

In response, the Labour Party released a statement this afternoon, which read that they have requested the services of Courts Homecentres Managing Director, James Datta to manage their campaign adding that they have secured funds for the giveaway from Exim Bank of India.

In other news, the UGP Party Leader, Mick Beddoes has attributed his new found inner strength to the high-powered food drink Ovaltine.

BENNY HINN ARRIVES

WORKS HIS FIRST MIRACLE

American televangelist, Benny Hinn arrived in the country last night and immediately began his crusade with a miracle.

The Fiji Labour party President, Jokapeci Koroi who was Mr. Hinn's first visitor was seen walking and momentarily jogging to her car after visiting him.

According to reporters present at the scene, Ms Koroi outpaced them when they tried to approach her for comments.

“Who would have ever thought that Jokapeci Koroi would not only start walking but also jog,” an astounded reporter was spotted questioning himself while gazing at the sky.

Shortly afterwards the Labour Party president issued a statement thanking Benny Hinn for making her walk and Laisenia Qarase for making her run from the reporters.

Ms Koroi also stated that the miraculous treatment that she received from Benny Hinn had started about a month ago via the Internet and she was in trance until today and could not remember anything she said or did within the last month.

However in a statement released this afternoon, the Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase has stated that the miracle healing is an attempt to divert attention from what Jokapeci Koroi said on television last week.

In other news, the Managing Director of Courts Homecentres, James Datta confirmed today that he would only sponsor the netball IDC if he was allowed to play in it.

LESI KOROVAVALA TO SEEKS NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENCY.

“THEN WE WILL SEE WHO'S THE BOSS”

After it was confirmed that the current President would not be seeking re-election, the Home Affairs CEO strongly indicated that he would seek nomination for Presidency.

“I have had a number of covert meeting with GCC members and I have been assured of their full support,” Dr. Lesi Korovavala confirmed to reporters this morning.

Dr. Korovavala also told the reporters that this was the trump card that he always had up his sleeve and now was the moment for him to use it.

“Frank only listens to his commander in chief and when I will become the President then we will see who's the boss,” Dr. Korovavala stated in an abhorrent tone.

According to a source at the Home Affairs ministry, Dr. Korovavala has been left with little option after Jone Baleidrokadroka was sacked and the Prime Minister does not recall knowing anyone by the name of Lesi Korovavala.

“I saw him in his office the other day with bloodshot eyes and laughing erratically at himself.” “He maybe the most loneliest man alive and what he is doing now maybe the last option,” the source emphatically revealed.

On being asked about the complaint lodged against him by the military, Dr. Korovavala said that the PSC can go ahead and sack him but once he becomes the President, he will reappoint himself as the Home Affairs CEO. “Yes I will be serving a dual role,” Dr. Korovavala confirmed.

In other news, the judge advocate, Graham Leung postponed the court martial proceeding citing appointment to a photo shoot in his new military uniform.

BAINIMARAMA AND QARASE REVEALS OPERATION REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SUCCESS

“WE KNOW THE TRUE COLOURS”

In a joint press conference held this morning at the military barracks, the Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase and Commodore Frank Bainimarama announced the success of their covert mission, Operation Reverse Psychology.

“We knew that there was a dissident faction within the military and in the general public so I asked Lesi Korovavala to organize a covert meeting between the Commodore and me and it was there that we decided to talk negatively about each other in public,” Mr. Qarase said.

Mr. Qarase also spoke about intelligence reports, which had clearly identified the Fiji Labour party as an opposition for a while. “I was hearing and seeing all these reports about the Labour Party but I did not want to believe it but when Frank and I started with Operation Reverse Psychology, the Labour Party showed its true colour.” “The Labour Party was never a loyal friend,” an emotional Laisenia Qarase added.

Mr. Qarase and Commodore Bainimarama showed a gesture of appreciation to the Fiji Times, the Fiji Sun and Fijilive.com by granting each one of them 8 hours of interview. “Without them, we would have never been able to make this operation an international issue which was our aim.” “Not only did we wanted to distinguish between friends and foes on the national level, but also on the international level,” the army commander said.

Commodore Bainimarama also spoke of the moment when Poseci Bune went to meet him, and how the Commodore nearly gave up the cover but managed to hold back to his laughter until after Poseci Bune left.

It was also revealed that the surcharge to the commander, the public spat with Qoriniase Bale, the emergency National Security Council meeting was planned. “We wanted to make it look really factual.” “The only thing that is real is the Reconciliation and Unity Bill,” the army commander confirmed.

The two leaders also told the reporters that the only other entity to know of the covert operation was Vodafone Fiji because they were on a family phone package. "We were worried because we just did not want someone to start thinking that why are the two foes on a family phone package," a smiling Laisenia Qarase revealed.

In other news, after it was revealed that former army officer, Colonel Jone Baleidrokadroka was able to read signs, the Fiji Meteorological Department abandoned plans to buy radars and instead hired him.

MFF CEO REFUSES TO BE TERMINATED

“THANKS BUT NO THANKS FOR THE OFFER”

The Ministry of Fisheries and Forestry CEO, Mitieli Baleivanualala has refused to be terminated by the PSC and said, “Thanks but no thanks for the offer.”

Mr. Baleivanualala had reportedly been found guilty of defiance, staying back in Japan when his fully funded trip was to the Federated State of Micronesia, and playing excessive Solitaire at work.

In reply to the allegations, Mr. Baleivanualala said, ”Even the dumbest of the dumb would know that we can get more out of Japan then the Federated States of Micronesia and for Gods sake doesn't the name Micronesia ring a bell.” “Duh”, he added.

Mr. Baleivanualala also admitted that he had foreknowledge on the difficulty in getting the visa, and stated, “Yes I knew about the visa problems but I also knew that more fish is consumed in Japan then what is available in the sea all around the world. “Maybe the guys at PSC do not know about sushi.” Mr. Baleivanualala continued. When he was asked about his Solitaire game addiction, Mr. Baleivanualala refused to say anything and instead turned towards his computer and started to repeatedly click the mouse.

However, according to a reliable source at PSC, Baleivanualala stayed back in Japan to train and become a ninja.

In other news, the army commander, Commodore Frank Bainimarama has asked Colonel Jone Baleidrokadroka to return his friendship locket and band.

PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES ELECTION DATE

“SOMETIME IN THE NOT TOO DISTANT FUTURE”

The Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase today announced the general election date as “sometime in the not too distant future”

Beaming with a broad smile, Mr. Qarase told reporters that the reason for the deferment of the election is because the mandate is with him and would remain with him for another 20 years. Referring to the mandate as a piece of declaration stored in a sandalwood box, Mr. Qarase, with the box tucked tightly under his right arm, said, “As long as I have the mandate, I will be the Prime Minister.”

It shocked the political circle when they learnt that Laisenia Qarase has the mandate. Mr. Pramod Rae of NFP said, “We had all the while assumed that the mandate was with the RFMF and the recent crisis at the military barracks between Frank and John was because of the mandate.” “Well it is no wonder that Qarase has increased the number of security personnel around him”, Mr. Rae added.

One of the political commentators said that it seemed like the test that was given to Colonel Jone Baleidrokadroka by the Commodore was to guess the location of the mandate and obviously he failed miserably because which soul on all the 333 islands would have ever in their wildest imagination thought that Laisenia Qarase has the mandate.

In a separate report, the Leader of the Opposition, Mahendra Chaudary in a press conference held this afternoon cleared the air on the mandate issue. “We have the original mandate and its kept in a very safe place.” “Its 100% authentic and I am sure that the mandate the Prime Minister has is a fake one.” Mr. Chaudary claimed. He also told the reporters that Mr. Qarase had most probably been duped by one of those fake Tabua sellers and requested the Police Commissioner to investigate the matter. “My guess is that the NFP also has a fake mandate.” Mr. Chaudary added.

In other news, the Ministry of Health, in a statement released today, acknowledged for the first time that there is an outbreak of ‘Pass-the-Buck' syndrome.

NEW LIST TO REPLACE NEW YEARS HONORS AND AWARDS LIST

STABILITY OF THE LAND CITED FOR THIS MOVE

The Government today announced a new system to replace the New Years Honors List calling it ‘a key to stability'.

”Everyone thought that we had forgotten to come up with a list but we remained tightlipped and wanted to surprise the whole nation” “This is our way of saying Happy New Year”, a senior government official excitedly confirmed.

“The new system is simple, we give everyone material and meaningful things rather then the symbolic titles.” the senior government official continued. The list was read out and the biggest winner was Commodore Frank Bainimarama who got his own website with free maintenance, an unlisted private telephone number, an Apple Ipod, and a Nokia Series 60 phone.

The second in the list was Major General Sitiveni Rabuka who received the honorary lifetime title of Prime Minister and a taxi permit, followed by Commissioner of Police, who receives a trip to Russia to buy latest model guns for the police force.

Other notable inclusions in the list were Vinod Patel and Hari Punja who were each granted three wishes. The list in total contained 100 peoples name and what they received.

In other news, the former prime minister, Major General Sitiveni Rabuka after telling Laisenia Qarase to toughen up questioned his motives for not doing physical exercise.

RABUKA ASKS FOR EXECUTIVE AUTHORITY

CALLS HIMSELF “MAN”

Former military commander and prime minister, Major General Sitiveni Rabuka told the vice president that only he could resolve the current impasse.

Spotted in full military uniform, Major General Rabuka left for Government House in a white taxi this morning where, it is understood, he has asked the Vice President to transfer the executive authority to him. The details of the meeting are been kept a secret.

Major General Sitiveni Rabuka was earlier quoted as saying, “To resolve this crisis, there has to be a man to man talk and let me tell this nation that I am the man.” Rabuka also said that because of this erratic situation, he could not decide whether to paint his house or just hold on to see what happens next.

However, a senior government official who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, “This is just a case of sour grapes.” “He just does not want anyone else to execute a successful coup.” The official also revealed that Rabuka had applied for the Commanders post couple of months back, incase the current military commander gets fired.

Meanwhile, the Minister of Home Affairs, Hon Josefa Vosanibola has asked Major General Sitiveni Rabuka to stop making these sort of comments and put them in more trouble. “The last thing we want Frank to think is that we are putting words in Rabuka's mouth.”

In other news, the RFMF has filed a lawsuit against the CWM hospital and its board after the Commodore's medical report was released to the press, which confirmed that the Commander is suffering from ADHD or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

TROOPS ADMIT TO MUTINY CHARGES

"SEND US HOME"

In a rare twist to the mutiny trial all the accused soldiers decided to plead guilty to all the charges and requested the government to send them back to their original home.

With tears flowing freely from their eyes, the soldiers informed the court martial that they were from Pitcairn Island and wanted to go back. “We came to Fiji to visit the Bligh Waters and join the RFMF and become loyal soldiers but we did not realize that we are cursed”, one of the soldiers said. This episode at yesterday's proceeding shocked everyone. “We thought that these chaps were indigenous Fijians and fighting for a cause and not descendants of mutineers”, Judge Advocate Graham Leung blabbed.

The soldiers also said that Brad Johnstone should join the Fiji Rugby team coaching staff. One of the soldiers on trial, Josaia Waqabaca said, “The only man who can make this happen is Commodore Frank Bainimarama. Commander Bainimarama is clean and fighting for the truth, and only he can ask Brad to close his resort business and save the Fiji Rugby team”, Mr. Waqabaca continued.

However, in a press conference called by the RFMF, military spokesman, Captain Neumi Leweni said that it's a ploy by the Home Affairs ministry. “Our intelligence reports confirm that Home Affairs ministry is using these soldiers to end the trial quickly so they would end up paying only $30,000 but the people of Fiji can be assured that we will pay Graham $130,000" Captain Leweni added.

Captain Leweni also announced that the RFMF is opening up an events management company which would specialize in organizing press conferences.

In other news, shortly after it was reported that the Commonwealth Games baton was bringing people of different ethnic background and beliefs together, the Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase surprised everyone by withdrawing the Reconciliation, Tolerance and Unity Bill and replacing it with the Commonwealth Games baton.

NEW ZEALAND WARNS COMMODORE

SAYS, "STOPPING PLACING BETS "

The New Zealand Government this morning issued a stern warning to Commodore Frank Bainimarama to stop betting with the New Zealand High Commissioner to Fiji.

"The High Commissioner to Fiji, Michael Green is a known bad loser and we want to avoid a diplomatic row with Fiji therefore we urge the Commander of RFMF to stop playing betting game with him", a statement from the New Zealand Government read. This was after Mr. Michael Green refused to pay Commodore $10.00 for losing a bet in which the Commodore said that he would threaten the government about taking over and Michael Green said that he could not.

According to sources close to Michael Green, the betting between these two compatriots started during the recent Melbourne Cup race. The Commodore had lost then and as part of the deal had bought Michael drinks for the whole night at the Traps Bar in Suva. "Now the High Commissioner has lost and he is flip flopping", the source reveled.

In response, the Commodore has declared that Michael Green is the High Commissioner to Fiji and its public and police and immigration but not the military. "He is no longer the High Commissioner for us" the Commodore fumed.

In a separate report, the Commissioner of Police has said that the Commodore and the High Commissioner would be charged with illegal betting. Andrew Hugh's said, "It seems that they failed to obtain any permit for betting and it is illegal"

In other news, the Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase has decided to remove himself from the defamation case brought on by Mahendra Chaudary citing Benny Hinn visit during that period.

BENNY HINN HAPPY WITH THE OPPOSITION

SAYS, "ANY PUBLICITY IS GOOD PUBLICITY"

The organizers of the Benny Hinn Crusade have expressed a gratitude of thanks on behalf of Mr. Benny Hinn for creating all the timely opposition prior to Mr. Hinn's visit.

According to the organizers, Mr. Hinn has said, "Everything is working out just as we planned and like they say 'any publicity is good publicity". Mr Hinn further stated that it was his life long dream to visit Fiji and curse anyone who opposed his Ministry.

The organizers further confirmed reports that the government decided to provide the security for Mr. Hinn and his entourage after Mr. Hinn promised to prophesies about Frank Bainimarama just the way he did for Fidel Castro and his 'death' in 1995. According to a senior government official, "Some of Mr. Hinn's prophecies did come true and this time it will be a combination of Mr Hinn's prophecy and the governments prayer".

In a separate report, the immigration department has said that they will only issue the visa once Mr. Hinn pays the application fee. The department has also refuted claims that it has received any objections from groups or individual 'opposing the visit' contradicting claims by the Liberty Church pastor Mr. Navi Bola.The Head of Immigration dept said, "The Liberty Church has been known to make false claims and prophecies". However the department head did confirm that the only objection was against the visa fee and it was lodged by Mr. Hinn.

Meanwhile, all the government MPs' has ben asked by Laisenia Qarase to accompany Mr. Benny Hinn and be among the first in line to be anointed since this was an election year.

In other news, the Legal Aid Commission has said that it will introduce the 'Coin Toss' system to select those seeking legal representation quashing any doubts of double standard and discrimination.

BETTER PRISON CONDITIONS COME WITH BETTER CRIMES

"CONTACT ME FOR THE ELIGIBILITY LIST "

In a press conference held this morning at Korovou prison, the Deputy Commissioner of Prisons Opeti Laladidi said " Better prison conditions come with better crimes"

"If you do not have the heart to commit 'good' crimes don't expect to be shifted to Naboro" Mr. Laladidi added in response to a directive by Justice Nazhat Shameem that prisoners at Korovou be transferred to Naboro. He said that the Naboro Prison over years has acquired a reputation which they must maintain and it cannot be jeopardized by sending petty criminals in there. "Now the future criminals who want better conditions can contact me for the eligibility list" Mr. Laladidi continued, referring to the list of crimes with corresponding prisons. The list contains 'Coup' at the top with the reward of a private island.

Mr Laladidi also took the reporters on a tour of Korovou Prison and showed them a couple of cell blocks which were really well maintained. He commented that Korovou Prison was not as bad as Justice Nazhat Shameem says it is. "Why don't you ask Inoke Takiveikata" Mr Laladidi said.

In a separate move, prisoner Iliaseri Saqasaqa confirmed that he and other prisoners on remand at Korovou Prison would go on a hunger strike today. "We don't get to exercise and have to share a cell block with two other prisoners, male prisoners that is!" When Mr. Laladidi was informed of the planned hunger strike, he said that they would not have managed to eat food in that condition anyway.

When contacted this afternoon, the Commissioner of Prisons, Aisea Taoka echoed his deputies views. Upon being asked about CSO and extra mural releases, Mr Taoka responded that they have exceeded the quota set for next 15 years and any more extra mural and CSO release would be in the year 2020.

In other news, the Minister for Home Affairs, Hon. Josefa Vosanibola said that he would not bow to pressure from the military and resign until he finds another job with this good a salary.

VANUATU GOVERNMENT REMOVES IMPORT DUTY ON FIJI BISCUIT

PRIME MINISTER SAYS "MY BAD"

In a twist to the ongoing biscuit war, the Vanuatu government at midday today issued a statement to the Fiji government saying that it was removing a 50% import duty placed a few days ago on the biscuit imported from Fiji.

In a softly worded statement, the Prime Minister of Vanuatu explained that he was only trying to demonstrate the strength of Vanuatu kava so that Fiji government would refrain from placing a quota when he happened to get doped and decided to place import duty on Fiji biscuits. "My bad" the Prime Minister stated.

Reliable sources close to the Prime Minister of Vanuatu confirmed that the decision of placing a 50% import duty on Fiji biscuits was made at a kava bar in Santo, Vanuatu during the Christmas holidays. "The Prime Minister was really doped when he began his countdown and unfortunately for Fiji, he had a black out at 50% mark, otherwise the figure would have been much lower" the source confirmed.

In a tit-for-tat response, Fiji's foreign affairs minister, Honorable Kaliopate Tavola called his Vanuatu counterpart to inform him that his Prime Minister can also do the same and with a much more potent drink called "home brew". "He had it once and the excise duty on white goods in Fiji shot up" Mr. Tavola added.

Reacting to the latest decision by the Vanuatu government, the Chairman of FMF, the biscuit maker and major exporter, Mr. Hari Punja expressed joy and added that they would now be able to expand their production and buy all the biscuits from the island of Rotuma which had been placed on hold. Rotuma after years of trials had finally managed to plant biscuits and would be harvesting its first crop in early February.

In other news, assistant police spokeswoman Corporal Prashila Narayan said the government CEO who was caught driving drunk was not charged for that offence after breathalyser tests came out negative. She was instead charged with obstruction of justice and released on bail after confessing to acting as a decoy for other CEOs' on that night.

ANGRY BAINIMARAMA DECLARES TEBBUTT TIMES POLL RESULTS INVALID

CALLS IT A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY

In his most bold and damaging move in the new year, military commander, Commodore Frank Bainimarama has declared the result for the Personality of the Year invalid.

Speaking from his village, Commodore Bainimarama said he would also stop recognizing the Tebbutt Times Poll as the official polling guide for the RFMF on the popularity of the two leaders of our country.

"Did you know that so many SMS votes were not received and the random telephone calls were only answered by people who stayed home out of fear that another coup would happen and they would get caught in the chaos and they call this results fair and accurate!" Commodore Bainimarama continued. According to Commodore Bainimarama, he might even consider moving into the ATH office at Provident Plaza if that is how he would be guaranteed the Personality of the Year award.

Commodore Bainimarama made the comments after receiving confirmation that since Christmas, the Vodafone network was mostly unavailable due to heavy traffic and as a result so many of the SMS votes for him could not get through.

In response, Vodafone Fiji today issued a statement in which it explained that the busy network was due to many mobile users opting to check their balance rather then actually call someone and spend money.

In an official statement released during the press conference held by the RFMF this afternoon, military spokesman Captain Neumi Leweni said that although they had nothing against Waisale Serevi, the military had felt year throughout the year that their commander would come out in front. When asked a question by one of the reporters, Captain Leweni came out firing and said " How would you feel if you had worked so hard and put your career and the national security on the line to make sensational headlines throughout the year compared to how times that Serevi guy has made headlines and eventually not being chosen as the Personality of the Year, how would you feel huh?" In calling the results a threat to national security Captain Leweni said that if so many headlines can not get you the award then maybe a coup would

Meanwhile, the Minister for Home Affairs has said that an appropriate course of action would taken to deal with the current crisis keeping Lesi Korovavala in mind. However presenting an immediate solution, Mr Vosanibola recommended embroidering the popular verse from the bible PHIL 4:13 on every RFMF soldiers uniform.

In other news, the Leader of the opposition Hon Mahendra Pal Chaudary has declared that he will start playing sevens rugby, professional golf and grow a mustache to grab the Personality of the Year award after being beaten by Waisale Serevi, Vijay Singh and Laisenia Qarase in 2005.