Monday, April 26, 2010

Future Secondary School Rugby League Games Will Only Have Brawls

Huge Fan Following

After a brawl marred the final of the Fiji Secondary Schools rugby league final, Fiji National Rugby League operations manager Rusiate Ratakele in a press conference held soon after has stated that future games will only have brawls citing reports of huge fan following after the incident.

“I was amazed by the amount of coverage given to the brawl in the T.V, radio and newspapers. It was so awesome to finally pick up some good coverage for this sport.

I had to basically switch off my cell phone because there were so many callers who were calling just to request for more games like that.

“And look at the end of the day its what the spectators want and they want a brawl and we will give it to them,” an excited Mr. Ratakele stated

Mr. Ratakele also told reporters at the press conference that he has held informal discussions with local T.V stations and future games will include multiple camera angles and slow-motion replays to cover every aspect of the brawl.

In concluding the press conference, Mr. Ratakele assured the spectators that they would be allowed to partake in the brawl contrary to reports coming in that spectators should not intervene.

Meanwhile, the Nasinu team player who was singled out as the leading instigator in the brawl has been dropped from the overseas tour. According to an insider, the FNRL intends to retain all assets who give publicity to the sport at this crucial juncture.

In other news, former New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark has confirmed media reports that she is indeed pregnant but will postpone her delivery until Fiji has a democratically elected government.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

NZ Herald Online Editor Paul Smith Admits to Being Editor in Absentia

Insists on meeting ‘PM’Helen Clark.

In a shocking revelation which is bound to send ripples of shock and disbelief throughout the media industry, the online editor for New Zealand’s largest newspaper company, NZ Herald has publicly acknowledged in a news conference that he was not on planet Earth for the last 4 years.

According to Mr. Paul Smith, the Online Editor of NZ Herald, he was living on the International Space Station and only returned to Earth last night on the space shuttle, Discovery.

“It was a top secret mission and I cannot disclose anything further apart from the fact that I was part of an elite squad recruited to report that aliens do exist and I can confidently say that I have seen them,” Mr. Smith told a skeptical group of reporters at the news conference.

The announcement by Paul Smith however did manage to convince some of the skeptics who were present at the news conference.

“Well he might be telling us the truth. I don’t think we saw him in person in the last 4 years. Come to think of it, most of the stories and photos published under his editorship were 4 years old, especially the photos,” a reporter from the TVNZ blabbed.

The media shy Paul Smith was forced to call the press conference after controversy arouse when all his editorials carried the photo of Fiji coup leader that was atleast 4 years old.

However according to a close friend of Mr. Smith, it maybe more bad than what is visible.

“This is just the tip of the ice berg. My dude Paul asked me to arrange a meeting with Prime Minister Helen Clark. I don’t know how to tell him that she is gone and we have a new PM. The worse was when he saw the new photos of Frank Bainimarama and he was like, who is this good looking handsome?,” the friend revealed.

In other news, the pest control company Rentokil has declared a war on the destructive species of termite found in Lautoka and said that the balls in its court and its upto the termites on how it wants to deal with their exterminators.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Government Announces Privatisation of Public Toilets

“Possible Listing on Stock Market.”

In what has become a trend recently, Attorney-General and Minister for Public Enterprises Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum has confirmed that all the public toilets around the country would be privatized.

According to Mr. Khaiyum, the government has appointed a consultant specialized in public toilet privatization.

“Currently the public toilet is enjoying monopolistic status and that there is a need to restructure it to have an efficient and vibrant shit sector that encourages private sector participation and provides better and affordable services. We are also exploring the possibility of listing it on the stock market,” Mr. Khaiyum added.

In a further backing to the government’s decision, a financial analyst based with local accounting firm, PWC, stated that the move by the government could possibly be the best to date.

“Government usually in their capacity as proxy owners of their investment is not very effective in obtaining maximum returns to them and services to the public. Once privatised, the stakeholders would vie for maximum return on their investment which means in this case that they would focus on specific functions of the public toilet that would be profitable. Coupled with an aggressive public relations effort and marketing campaign, the acquisition of public toilets could possibly be the best investment decision,” the analyst added.

However the move has been strongly criticized by the Fiji Public Toilet Workers Union. According to the union General Secretary, Mr. Tomasi Cacaka who is better known for his one line statements, the move by the Government was a short sighted one.

“This move to privatise the public toilets by the government of the day is very short sighted,” Mr. Cacaka stated.

Meanwhile shares of Fiji National Provident Fund (FNPF) listed in the Suva Stock Exchange jumped on the news that FNPF would be making a bid for the acquisition of the public toilets.

In other news, reports have filtered in that Fiji Prime Minister, Frank Bainimarama will move around the country in a disguise to better understand the plight of his subjects and the affairs of his kingdom.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Bottle Collectors Rounded Up Accused of Uprising

“Australian Corporation Behind the Funding Campaign.”

In one of the most shocking incidents since the 2006 coup, bottle collectors from around the country were rounded up last night and are being interrogated at the Queen Elizabeth Barracks in Nabua.

According to a military source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the bottle collectors were under surveillance for the past two months after being suspected of planning an uprising against the interim government, recruiting members of the public and funding the resistance movement.

“Reports were in about two months back and we planted our men as moles among these bottle collectors. Those moles were our eyes into the world of these insurgents. We learnt from our spies that the bottle collectors used Morse code through honking to communicate. We also found out that money was being channeled into certain households to which the bottle collectors went. We suspect a major Australian corporation behind this funding campaign. Our surveillance has revealed that the bottle collectors go to the offices of this company every afternoon,” the military source revealed further.

However the claims were strongly denied by the newly formed Fiji Bottle Collectors Association. According to the association spokesman, Mr. Satya Raju, the bottle collectors have only been involved in peaceful collection of beer bottles.
“I admit that we have at times honked more than usual at houses where there are girls or given less price for a dozen bottles but these claims by the military of resistance movement is way over the top. And as far as charges of funding the resistance is concerned, we do give money to people but it’s for the empty bottles that they sell us.”

Mr. Raju also denied claims of Morse code being used through their honking. “If we knew what Morse code was, we would not have been collecting bottles.

Meanwhile, Professor Richard Hayeberg of the University of Western Australia, a leading authority on bottle collectors and international terror funding, the bottle collectors are the most misunderstood people of our generation after the journalists and it could be a case of paranoia by the military.

In other news, Satan has angrily rebuked claims that he is somehow affiliated with Land Forces Commander, Pita Driti.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Frank Bainimarama Weds Samoan Prime Minister, Tuilaepa Sailele.

Love conquers perennial rivalry.

In an unprecedented move in the history of the Pacific Islands, the Prime Minister of Fiji, Josaia Voreqe Bainimarama and the Prime Minister of Samoa, Tuilaepa Aiono Sailele tied knot last night in a private ceremony attended only by close family members and friends at Sofitel Hotel in Nadi.

Tuilaepa Sailele upon arrival at the Nadi International Airport yesterday morning was quickly whisked away in a private car and kept out of public sight until the hour of the blissful union arrived. The pair appeared together moments before the ceremony began with Bainimarama in his decorated naval uniform while Sailele was in the traditional Samoan wedding dress.
After the ceremony, Bainimarama told a small pool of reporters that love has finally conquered the perennial rivalry between Melanesians and Polynesians. Taking a jab at New Zealand Prime Minister, Bainimarama said, “Now who's your daddy John?”

According to a source close to the two families, the affair between Bainimarama and Sailele started in 2007 at the Pacific Forum Leaders Meeting in Tonga. “They were so smitten by each other and it was love at first sight. Marriage was inevitable. The defining moment in their relationship was after last year’s earthquake and tsunami when Frank paid him a surprise visit and Tuilaepa hugged Frank and wept in his arms. It was so sweet and I think Frank proposed to him during that surprise visit.” the source revealed.

However, questions are now rising over Sailele’s consistent criticism of Bainimarama following the 2006 coup. Sailele has been one of the most vocal critics of Bainimarama. But in a press statement released this afternoon through the Samoan Prime Ministers Office, Sailele apologized for misleading the general public. The statement further stated that it had become the only way for Sailele to capture and retain Bainimarama’s attention.

But according to a confidante of the Samoan Prime Minister, the days when Sailele criticized Bainimarama publicly were always preceded by evenings of quarrel and argument in private between the two. “I think he was just trying to get back at Mr. Bainimarama. The telephone bill for the PMs Office was inflating daily. Bainimarama was smart and pushed for the deregulation of the communication industry and got cheap international call rates. Sailele should have done the same in Samoa rather than trying to push for the highly controversial legislation to switch Samoan road use from right to left-hand drive.” the confidante added.

In other news, former Prime Minister, Sitiveni Rabuka is under investigation for assembling his own private army after being caught buying toy military action figures.