6-Step Guide to Surviving a Visit to the Military Barracks

Recently I had the pleasure of meeting a friend of mine from Fiji and the discomfort of listening to his experience subsequent to getting called up to the military barracks. 

Thus I spent over a fortnight thinking and devising a 6-Step Guide for those who may be called up in the future.

Here are list of Steps you have to follow the moment you receive the dreaded phone call from the barracks.

Step 1

Start your answer by telling the caller that you are infact dead and the voice answering is a recorded message you left behind after you had a vision earlier  that week of receiving that specific phone call.

Step 2

Request for atleast 7 days before you would be able to make the visit. Possible reasons that could be used are:

• Death in your family (Avoid using  your mother-in-laws death at all cost as an excuse for mourning – even if its true – they will easily know you are lying) ,
• Being shipwrecked on some uninhabited island after a fishing trip and that it may take you upto 7 days before you are rescued,
• You are admitted in the hospital. If you are not, then arrange for it and then make an escape from the hospital. Step 5 would explain why this escape is necessary. 

Step 3

Draw up a genealogy graph of your family. Make a concerted effort to form a family link with the following people in one way or another:

• Government Ministers
• Senior military brass
• The Prime Minister

If you have somehow managed to link up with the third option, then please ignore the remaining Steps.

Step 4

If your family’s genealogy tree fails to achieve the above, repeat with Step 2 for your neighbor (those whom you have not in anyway screwed in the past) and then biologically link yourself to your neighbors family.  

Step 5

Use your 7 days to do workouts concentrating mainly on stamina and endurance. Google ‘Military drills,’ and use the search result to practice on those drills  Also work on acquiring psychological strength and motivate yourself towards doing frivolous tasks for prolonged durations.

 Step 6

If you believe in God, pray hard. Incase you happen to be a believer in theism this is one of the few times when you would actually appreciate the wider coverage you have with the deities.

If you are an atheist, you are so totally screwed.

P.S: This Guide is not applicable if you get a personalized ride to the military barracks instead of receiving a phone call. If that is the case then apply Step 6 incessantly.

New Decree Against Complains

Largest Group to Be Affected Are Spouses

The Fiji Government took a preemptive action against complains today by announcing the introduction of a new decree.

According to a spokesperson in the Prime Ministers Office, the government has had enough of all the complains directed towards it and as such the new decree to be introduced and imposed soon would address this serious issue on all levels and turn Fiji into a complain free society.

“We received complains against extensive prank calls and when we introduced a decree to curb these prank calls the complains started being directed towards the decree. And then we received complains against inefficient government services and when we introduced this proposal for a national identity card, we got complains against it. And the list goes on. Frankly speaking we are tired of all the complains,” the spokesperson told the journalists at a press briefing this evening.

“Basically this decree is in line with all the other decrees that the government has introduced to curb anything that it does not like. Complaining is evil and this government will ensure that nothing evil prevails in the Fijian society. Period,” the spokesperson added.

At the conclusion of the press briefing, the spokesperson in response to a question from a reporter said that there would be consultation process before the introduction of the decree similar to the Media Decree consultation process.

Meanwhile according to Professor Richard Roch, a world authority on complains and marital discords, the introduction of this decree by the government may in actual fact be against spouses of the government officials and ministers who have recently gone on a traveling spree around the world.

“The last thing they need is complains from their spouses after incurring a barrage of it from overseas governments, NGOs’ and bloggers," Professor Roch explained.

In other news, the Land Transport Authority of Fiji has stated that those caught speeding, talking on phone while driving and DUI would be issued with fines and an ‘Asshole’ badge.

Fiji Independence Order Stolen

Prime Suspect Named

In a major breaking news, the Assistant Permanent Secretary for Information, Setareki Tale has stated in a press conference held this evening that the Fiji Independence Order is not lost but stolen. He further went on to say that their prime suspect at the moment is Nicholas Cage.

The journalists present at the scene were left speechless by this news. However after five minutes of trying to get back their speech, one of the reporters inquired Mr. Tale on how he knew it was Nicholas Cage?

To which Mr. Tale produced a DVD copy of the movie National Treasure and said, “We have evidence of this guy doing a similar thing in the past. If he has managed to sneak past one of the most secure locations in the world and steal the Declaration of Independence, then our security level is a childs play for him.”

In concluding the press conference, Mr. Tale looked straight at the television cameras and in a direct address to Nicholas Cage pleaded with him to return the Fiji Independence Order and that the Fiji Government needed that treasure map found on the back of that Order more than him.

In other news, ANZ Fiji has boosted the Fiji Employers Federation bid to become bigger assholes by providing it with a $10,000 sponsorship for its conference.