6-Step Guide to Surviving a Visit to the Military Barracks

Recently I had the pleasure of meeting a friend of mine from Fiji and the discomfort of listening to his experience subsequent to getting called up to the military barracks. 

Thus I spent over a fortnight thinking and devising a 6-Step Guide for those who may be called up in the future.

Here are list of Steps you have to follow the moment you receive the dreaded phone call from the barracks.

Step 1

Start your answer by telling the caller that you are infact dead and the voice answering is a recorded message you left behind after you had a vision earlier  that week of receiving that specific phone call.

Step 2

Request for atleast 7 days before you would be able to make the visit. Possible reasons that could be used are:

• Death in your family (Avoid using  your mother-in-laws death at all cost as an excuse for mourning – even if its true – they will easily know you are lying) ,
• Being shipwrecked on some uninhabited island after a fishing trip and that it may take you upto 7 days before you are rescued,
• You are admitted in the hospital. If you are not, then arrange for it and then make an escape from the hospital. Step 5 would explain why this escape is necessary. 

Step 3

Draw up a genealogy graph of your family. Make a concerted effort to form a family link with the following people in one way or another:

• Government Ministers
• Senior military brass
• The Prime Minister

If you have somehow managed to link up with the third option, then please ignore the remaining Steps.

Step 4

If your family’s genealogy tree fails to achieve the above, repeat with Step 2 for your neighbor (those whom you have not in anyway screwed in the past) and then biologically link yourself to your neighbors family.  

Step 5

Use your 7 days to do workouts concentrating mainly on stamina and endurance. Google ‘Military drills,’ and use the search result to practice on those drills  Also work on acquiring psychological strength and motivate yourself towards doing frivolous tasks for prolonged durations.

 Step 6

If you believe in God, pray hard. Incase you happen to be a believer in theism this is one of the few times when you would actually appreciate the wider coverage you have with the deities.

If you are an atheist, you are so totally screwed.

P.S: This Guide is not applicable if you get a personalized ride to the military barracks instead of receiving a phone call. If that is the case then apply Step 6 incessantly.