Superman Recruited To Fight Poverty in Fiji

Extreme Situations Call for Extraordinary Measures.

The Fiji Government has taken one of the most extraordinary measures to date in their fight against poverty by recruiting Superman.

Mr. Nemani Mati, the deputy secretary in the Prime Ministers Office made the announcement at the Southern Cross Hotels conference room where he appeared alongside Superman.

“We have spent $1.5Bln from 2000 to 2008 but poverty still remains. Now that’s a huge sum of money and it was ineffectively used. So our think tanks did some brainstorming and came up with the suggestion to hire Superman. He has unique credentials which would be ideal to his role in fighting poverty. And look, extreme situations calls for extraordinary measures,” Mr. Mati announced.

But the moment belonged to the the Man of Steel who came out and addressed the huge crowd gathered outside the hotel. Standing with his hands on his hips in his trademark pose, Superman told the crowd that fighting poverty was a tiny effort when compared to fighting Lex Luther.

However according to a Mr. Sarju Prasad who had traveled all the way from Sigatoka to catch a glimpse of the superhero, he was baffled by the governments decision and wondered if it was really a sensible move to hire someone who was still unsure about how to wear his underwear.

Superman, who hails from Smallville in Kansas would reportedly receive around $1 Million and a job with Fiji Sun for his alter persona, Clark Kent, would remain in Fiji for the next two years to complete his mission. It is unclear at the moment if he would be paid any traveling allowance.

Meanwhile, insiders have confirmed that initially, Jack Bauer was the first choice for the Fiji Government to fight poverty however his busy schedule and high fees led the government to rescind idea of hiring him.

In other news, after diagnosing the Fiji Sun, doctors have confirmed that there is an outbreak of the dreaded Apple Polish Syndrome.

George Speight Announces the Release of New Social Network

It’s A Total Game Changer

George Speight, the principle instigator of the 2000 coup has announced the release of a new social network called Prison Mates which he believes will leave Facebook, Twitter and MySpace in a cloud of dust.

The announcement was made in a special press conference held at Naboro Maximum Prison where George Speight appeared with two other co founders of the new social network.

According to Mr. Speight, he had read about the other social networks like Facebook and Myspace and developed PrisonMates in his cell block with two of his fellow inmates based on what he thought was lacking in those social networks.

“PrisonMates is even better. It’s a total game changer. We have added many features to it. Like we have walls where we can write our thoughts, send messages to fellow inmates by writing it on a piece of paper and having it delivered through prison guards. We have also requested fellow inmates to develop applications for our social network and currently we are reviewing what could become an instant hit and it’s called Meet My Match.”

Mr. Speight also gave an insight to the most popular application of PrisonMates. “Right now we have this thing called Poke Lite and Super Poke which is proving to be very popular among inmates. The beauty of it is that it’s done in real-time and 3-D. At the moment Super Poke is only available in Naboro Maximum.”

“And we have also added loads of games and one of the most popular one is Farm. In this game everyone works on actual farm and raise crops and livestocks ,” Mr. Speight proudly announced.

On being asked about future plans for his social network, Mr. Speight told reporters that like Facebook which was initially available only to University and College students, he would limit the membership to prison inmates around Fiji before venturing it to offshore prisons.

In other news, former Prime Minister, Sitiveni Rabuka was quoted as saying "that nobody takes his apology seriously" in an article published in the Duh Magazine.

Fiji Consumer Council CEO Denies Not Airing Concerns Directly To Government Agencies

Says Fiji Live is Not the Only Medium

The Fiji Consumer Council C.E.O Premilla Kumar has told reporters that it was false for the public to assume that she was not airing concerns directly to the government and concerned agencies.

“There is no need for any concern. I am actively using an Ouija board on a daily level to communicate with the responsible ministers and other statutory department executives,” a smiling Ms Kumar revealed.

Ms Kumar who has been under fire in the recent weeks for actively trying to keep herself in the news cycle by releasing statements on Fiji Live and Fiji Times further stated that there were times when communicating through the Ouija board failed and it was when she used her secret power of telepathy and telekinesis.

“I had all these powers to communicate and make things happen which is why I was appointed as the Fiji Consumer Councils CEO. Now tell me why I should actively bother others with emails and public interest litigation when I can just stalk them (the Government Ministers and Statutory executives) in their dreams,” Ms Kumar further stated.

However Ms. Kumar did thank Fiji Live for providing her with news such as bank charging high fees and FNPF not having members’ active contribution on the board.

In other news, the FNPF board has stated that they would set aside a budget for playing Tattslotto since the probability of getting the return on investment is higher.