Superman Recruited To Fight Poverty in Fiji

Extreme Situations Call for Extraordinary Measures.

The Fiji Government has taken one of the most extraordinary measures to date in their fight against poverty by recruiting Superman.

Mr. Nemani Mati, the deputy secretary in the Prime Ministers Office made the announcement at the Southern Cross Hotels conference room where he appeared alongside Superman.

“We have spent $1.5Bln from 2000 to 2008 but poverty still remains. Now that’s a huge sum of money and it was ineffectively used. So our think tanks did some brainstorming and came up with the suggestion to hire Superman. He has unique credentials which would be ideal to his role in fighting poverty. And look, extreme situations calls for extraordinary measures,” Mr. Mati announced.

But the moment belonged to the the Man of Steel who came out and addressed the huge crowd gathered outside the hotel. Standing with his hands on his hips in his trademark pose, Superman told the crowd that fighting poverty was a tiny effort when compared to fighting Lex Luther.

However according to a Mr. Sarju Prasad who had traveled all the way from Sigatoka to catch a glimpse of the superhero, he was baffled by the governments decision and wondered if it was really a sensible move to hire someone who was still unsure about how to wear his underwear.

Superman, who hails from Smallville in Kansas would reportedly receive around $1 Million and a job with Fiji Sun for his alter persona, Clark Kent, would remain in Fiji for the next two years to complete his mission. It is unclear at the moment if he would be paid any traveling allowance.

Meanwhile, insiders have confirmed that initially, Jack Bauer was the first choice for the Fiji Government to fight poverty however his busy schedule and high fees led the government to rescind idea of hiring him.

In other news, after diagnosing the Fiji Sun, doctors have confirmed that there is an outbreak of the dreaded Apple Polish Syndrome.

George Speight Announces the Release of New Social Network

It’s A Total Game Changer

George Speight, the principle instigator of the 2000 coup has announced the release of a new social network called Prison Mates which he believes will leave Facebook, Twitter and MySpace in a cloud of dust.

The announcement was made in a special press conference held at Naboro Maximum Prison where George Speight appeared with two other co founders of the new social network.

According to Mr. Speight, he had read about the other social networks like Facebook and Myspace and developed PrisonMates in his cell block with two of his fellow inmates based on what he thought was lacking in those social networks.

“PrisonMates is even better. It’s a total game changer. We have added many features to it. Like we have walls where we can write our thoughts, send messages to fellow inmates by writing it on a piece of paper and having it delivered through prison guards. We have also requested fellow inmates to develop applications for our social network and currently we are reviewing what could become an instant hit and it’s called Meet My Match.”

Mr. Speight also gave an insight to the most popular application of PrisonMates. “Right now we have this thing called Poke Lite and Super Poke which is proving to be very popular among inmates. The beauty of it is that it’s done in real-time and 3-D. At the moment Super Poke is only available in Naboro Maximum.”

“And we have also added loads of games and one of the most popular one is Farm. In this game everyone works on actual farm and raise crops and livestocks ,” Mr. Speight proudly announced.

On being asked about future plans for his social network, Mr. Speight told reporters that like Facebook which was initially available only to University and College students, he would limit the membership to prison inmates around Fiji before venturing it to offshore prisons.

In other news, former Prime Minister, Sitiveni Rabuka was quoted as saying "that nobody takes his apology seriously" in an article published in the Duh Magazine.

Fiji Consumer Council CEO Denies Not Airing Concerns Directly To Government Agencies

Says Fiji Live is Not the Only Medium

The Fiji Consumer Council C.E.O Premilla Kumar has told reporters that it was false for the public to assume that she was not airing concerns directly to the government and concerned agencies.

“There is no need for any concern. I am actively using an Ouija board on a daily level to communicate with the responsible ministers and other statutory department executives,” a smiling Ms Kumar revealed.

Ms Kumar who has been under fire in the recent weeks for actively trying to keep herself in the news cycle by releasing statements on Fiji Live and Fiji Times further stated that there were times when communicating through the Ouija board failed and it was when she used her secret power of telepathy and telekinesis.

“I had all these powers to communicate and make things happen which is why I was appointed as the Fiji Consumer Councils CEO. Now tell me why I should actively bother others with emails and public interest litigation when I can just stalk them (the Government Ministers and Statutory executives) in their dreams,” Ms Kumar further stated.

However Ms. Kumar did thank Fiji Live for providing her with news such as bank charging high fees and FNPF not having members’ active contribution on the board.

In other news, the FNPF board has stated that they would set aside a budget for playing Tattslotto since the probability of getting the return on investment is higher.

Economist Provides Solution For Raising Investor Confidence

Thinking Outside the Box.

Weeks after coming under fire for only highlighting problems without providing any solutions, Fiji’s leading economist, Dr. Biman Prasad has released a solution to counter Fiji’s declining economy while speaking at the launch of the Economic and Social Survey of Asia and the Pacific 2010 report.

According to Dr. Biman Prasad, the leading cause of problem is a lack of investor confidence into Fiji’s economy.

“After weeks of careful analysis I have concluded that the Fiji government should recruit teen idols and pop singers Justin Bieber and Ashley Tisdale to endorse the Fiji economy. Basically these idols will vouch for the coolness of the Fiji’s economy. My research has indicated that everyone nowadays rushes for anything that these two young kids endorse. “

“This is what we call thinking outside the box,” Dr. Prasad proudly stated.

However according to Dr. Marie Stephens, an economist based with the Asian Development Bank, Dr. Biman Prasad’s solution would be a double edged sword.

“Once Justin Bieber endorses Fiji’s economy, there would be a surge in the number of investors rushing to Fiji. It’s correct that investment in Fiji would increase dramatically but at the same time, the other countries in the region would suffer. We sincerely hope that the Government of Fiji is wise enough to think about the rest of the region and turn away some of the investors,” Dr. Marie Stephens stated

Meanwhile, the Australian Foreign Ministry released a statement that recruiting Justin Bieber to endorse Fiji’s economy would set a bad precedent.

The statement further read, “Any endorsement by Mr. Justin Beiber of Fiji’s economy would set a bad precedent for the other Pacific Island countries who would possibly use Mr. Bieber to endorse their own unscrupulous agenda and we urge the Fiji government to not pursue Dr. Biman Prasad’s solution.”

In other news, the new Permanent Secretary for the Ministry of Information, Sharon Smith has announced that the giant funnel used by B.P to control the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico would be acquired by her Ministry to control all information leaks.

Pacific Islands News Association Abandons Wait and See Option

Decides to Move Fiji Instead.

In a bold move that would affect the lives of over 800, 000 strong Fiji population, the President of Pacific Islands News Association, Mr. Moses Steven announced that it will move the Fiji Islands.

The announcement made at a press conference this morning left reporters at the scene shocked and speechless. According to Mr. Steven, there has been a lot of criticism towards him by the media organizations in Fiji and around the region after the introduction of the media decree by the Fiji Government.

“We were just taking a ‘wait and see’ option and weighing in on our next move. We had two options, either to move PINA out of Fiji or move Fiji. PINA is immovable may come rain or shine and it’s Fiji which will be moved. I will announce in coming days the complete plan to move Fiji,” Mr. Stevens boldly declared.

Mr. Stevens however declined to provide the new location for the Fiji Islands by saying that they were still in the process of negotiating with few countries and if they could accommodate Fiji Islands without jeopardizing their sovereignty.

According to an associate of Mr. Stevens who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity, the negotiations are being held with Singapore, Burma and China since Fiji’s new laws are very similar to these countries and Fiji would just fit in without any major hiccup.

However according to an expert based with the International Council of Movable Countries, plans to move Fiji Islands would be a logistical nightmare.

“It’s not impossible but it’s something that we always advise our clients against. We just hope that an amicable solution can be reached,” the expert stated.

Meanwhile, the Fiji Attorney General, Aiyaz Saiyyad Khaiyyum released a statement this afternoon calling for the PINA council to come to the table and discuss a way out of the current predicament. The statement further stated that the people of Fiji should stay calm and assured of their future although it is unclear if moved what Fiji’s new location would be.

In other news, after her bold statement at the World Press Freedom Day at the UNESCO global conference hosted at the University of Queensland in Brisbane, the Fiji Immigration department has announced that the Deputy Editor of Fiji Times, Sophie Foster would be deported back to the Wonderland.

Fiji Government Secret Vaccination Program

“May Lead To A More Devastating Consequence Of Development And Prosperity”

In a move which would be talked about for decades, the Ministry of Health has signed a $9 Million deal with the Global Fund for a secret vaccination program to be soon underway.

But minutes after the deal was signed, right wing bloggers revealed the details of the secret vaccination program.

According to a popular right wing anti-government blog, the secret vaccination program is infact the much dreaded Unemotional Vaccination Dose or UVD as it is commonly known.

“This is the worst thing to happen to Fiji and is the last nail in the coffin of Fijian land ownership,” a paragraph on the blog read before concluding the story with a caricature of a nail and coffin similar to the anti-smoking ads.

However, an insider associated with the secret vaccination program while acknowledging that it was the dreaded UVD program claimed that the story being reported by the blogs were mischievous and misleading.

“Look, the Fiji Government wants to maximize the usage of land. But the problem is that the natives own 87% of the land. And the real problem for us was that they were emotionally attached to the land as the natives identify themselves with the land. The only way for us to counter this was to make them unemotional and what better way to do that than through the use of Unemotional Vaccination Dose,” the insider confided.

Meanwhile, according to Professor Ariel Roth of the University of Haifa, a world authority on UVD and land, the use of UVD may lead to a more devastating consequence of development and prosperity.

“Change is something that is always difficult for people to accept and the Fiji Government may have just played right into the hands of anti-government protestors,” Professor Roth concluded.

In other news, the record profit achieved by the Fiji Broadcasting Limited under the leadership of Riyaz Saiyad Khaiyyum has been directly attributed to nepotism.