Woman Disappointed With False Prophet

“But God Works in Mysterious Ways.”

A local woman who called a radio station and introduced herself as Kamla slammed the local pastor behind the false prophecy on air complaining about the dates which the pastor had set.

According to Ms. Kamla, she finally started having sex with her husband since 12th March after persuading him that these were the last days and Fiji would be drowned out on the 23rd of June.

“Look deep down I knew it wasn’t true, but what the heck, I finally found a solution to my sexless life and just when my husband had finally started to get his mojo jojo back, 23rd June arrives. And nothing happens! How the hell am I going to convince him into any further sessions?

“If that pastor really had to make such a ludicrous prediction, atleast the time span should have been broader. The prick was daydreaming, I mean that’s how he had the vision at 2.30pm right?, but I don’t understand his rush into setting a date to this disaster which most people, except my hubby and some guy named Bill Gavoka, knew would not happen,” Ms. Kamla further lambasted

However Ms. Kamla did thank the Lord saying that she prayed everyday to the Lord to spark up her sex life.

“Well I guess Lord works in mysterious ways.

Elsewhere, the credibility of Fiji Sun took a huge blow when a new survey revealed that 77% of the people would believe the Nadi pastor who made a false prophecy compared to 12% who would believe the stories in Fiji Sun while 11% were undecided.

Fiji Football Association Refuses to Aim For World Cup

“We will be cursed.”

The Fiji Football Association CEO, Bob Kumar revealed in a press conference yesterday that even stating an intention to qualify for the world cup can become a powerful curse on whoever shows that intention.

Mr. Kumar, who called the press conference to show his appreciation to FIFA for giving him the ‘Jabulani’ soccer ball and carry bag, was forced to respond to a reporter on the scene who had asked if Fiji team would ever play in the world cup tournament.

“This is the last thing I want to talk about. Look at former coach late Billy Singh who declared in 1992 that Fiji would qualify by 2002. And look what happened, he died.”

“I can relate so many other incidents. Anyone who aims for a world cup qualification eventually dies. I have a family and so does my other colleagues and we will not take the risk of even thinking of world cup qualification,” Mr. Kumar stated.

Mr. Kumar further mentioned that the good part is that he would bring the soccer balls from the world cup so everyone can see it, touch it and play fantasy soccer imagining that ball.

On a lighter note, Mr. Kumar told of his wonderful experience in South Africa especially when he went on a safari and saw the location where the movie, The Lion King was made.

In other news, Reverend Laione Lutumaimuri Nacevamaca who had a vision about the June 23rd earthquake on Fiji is being blamed for creating chaos and baby boom 9 months from now.

Mystery Behind Guatemala Giant Hole Solved

Geologists confirm that the giant hole that opened in Guatemala is actually New Zealand Foreign Affairs Minister, Murray McCully's mouth.

According to initial reports, residents say the big hole suddenly appeared. The earth started shaking and loud noises were heard, several houses collapsed into the sink hole but no one got hurt. Locals say the air which arose from the hole smelled bad, just like a sewer.

ADS Will Be Used At 2014 Elections as Part of Electoral Reforms

Ensures New Type of Politicians.

In what would be a breakthrough move, The Fiji Electoral Reform Commission stated that a new system would be in place for the 2014 General Elections as part of electoral reforms to identify and eliminate assholes from contesting the elections.

The Asshole Detecting Software which is a part of the Cognitive Image/Video Search Engine developed in Yang’s Scientific Research Institute, L.L.C., U.S.A was recently acquired by the FERC which would achieve the directive by Prime Minister, Frank Bainimarama that Fiji needs new type of politicians.

According to an insider at FERC, an internal survey established that nearly all politicians in Fiji were assholes however there was no way of scientifically proving that.

“Now we have a scientific method of establishing not only if the politicians are assholes but even to which degree. As part of training the filter for our asshole database, we called in some politicians and some known civilian assholes. The degree of separation between the two groups was enormous with the politicians ‘tipping the scale’ so to speak,” the insider revealed.

Meanwhile, according to Professor Richard Mitchell, a world authority on assholes and based at the University of Utah, the use of ADS poses a risk to any politicians whether old or new.

“The best solution would be to recalibrate the scale as they did in Western Samoa where all politicians hit the north end of the scale,” Professor Mitchell added.

In other news, a new survey has indicated that poverty affects child education according to a report in the ‘Duh’ magazine.